“Hey little Timmy, I heard that there was a wild party last weekend after the game. Have your… “Hey little Timmy, I heard that there was a wild party last weekend after the game. Have your friends been talking about it? Did you know that alcohol and drugs really increase the chances of having sex and getting a disease?”

Except for the address to Tim, the above question is taken from 4parents.gov, a new government Web site dealing with how to talk to teens about sex, abstinence, puberty, abstinence, drugs, abstinence and, oh yeah, abstinence.

Now, we know the government employs scientists, usually good ones. Did these scientists do experiments to find the question that, when addressed to teens, would make those teen-agers never want their parents to speak to them again?

That’s the effect that asking a teen-ager such a question would have. Teens naturally resent authority. Some mystical combination of hormones, high school and general malaise makes them dislike being told what to do — kind of like most people — and their parents, armed with government questions, represent two authorities to be bucked.

Such inept conversation starters are only the tip of the iceberg for this site. While it has good advice on talking to teens about the consequences of pregnancy — telling boys to say no to sex might not work; telling them they’ll be fiscally responsible for any child they have will — its advice to parents of potentially gay children isn’t quite up to par.

“If you believe your adolescent may be gay, or is experiencing difficulties with gender identity or sexual orientation issues, consider seeing a family therapist who shares your values to clarify and work through these issues.”

That’s all the site has to say about being gay. The downloadable pamphlet “Parents, speak up!” offered no advice on the subject. First of all, if parents decide to take their kids to a therapist — and most teen-agers, gay or not, could probably benefit from some kind of therapy — shouldn’t it be a therapist the kid trusts and not necessarily one who shares the parents’ values?

Bad therapy from someone who teens perceive as extraordinarily judgmental — and, at 15, everyone is seen as judgmental — or who simply parrots what parents say could do far more harm than good. So would hearing that emotions and attractions over which the kid doesn’t have control are somehow evil and wrong. And “sharing values” sounds suspiciously like an endorsement for de-gay-ification, which doesn’t work and would pretty much guarantee screwing up the kid’s sense of self.

Moreover, the next section, on what to do when if kids are sexually active, has advice like, “Above all, tell your adolescent she/he is loved and supported. Voice your disappointment with his/her decision without being judgmental.”

While that applies if teens are heterosexually or homosexually active, why isn’t advice like that in the “Sexual Orientation” section?

All of this is symptomatic of a sort of pop-culture parenting based not on effectively connecting to kids, but on taking the advice of pamphlets and Web sites. Parents already think that some elusive force like peer pressure makes their perfect angel children into hormone-driven monsters — when, in fact, most problems stem from being adolescents with tons of weird body changes and not much common sense.

Instead of trying to overwhelm teens with advice, why not tell parents to listen? They might just learn something.