Tony,

My girlfriend won’t swallow. It’s starting to give me a complex.

Spitting Mad… Tony,

My girlfriend won’t swallow. It’s starting to give me a complex.

Spitting Mad

Back in the day I used to see this a lot; not so much anymore. Still, it’s out there.

Now come on, ladies, let’s all get over the “sex is dirty” fixation and stop making it seem like a blow job is such a job. If your boyfriend goes down on you, he’s going to be swallowing, and getting a facial to boot. Besides, not spitting is just good etiquette.

Of course, maybe this is on the boyfriend. Maybe one night after some oral sex the girlfriend went to kiss him and he reared back in horror. A girl I knew used to keep a glass of water around and swished clean afterward; although personally, as long as it didn’t degenerate into snowballing, it never bothered me. Of course, that only applies if it’s mine. You fool around with the wrong women … But I digress.

You could tell her it’s high in protein, but unless she’s a bodybuilder I don’t see why she would care. Likewise, although by volume it’s high in protein, just do the math. The average guy shoots two to five milliliters, while the average ultra-high protein shake, at 16 ounces or so, usually has around 30 grams of protein in it, or 60 percent of the daily recommended amount. Sadly, the protein is insignificant.

More women seem to enjoy swallowing because, in addition to the possibility that they’re horny, they think it gives luster to the hair, while money shots are good for the skin. Now I say there’s some validity to this. Two to five milliliters is more than the amount of Bath and Body Works stuff she rubs into her skin, right? I once knew a girl who swore by swallowing and its unequalled ability to give her skin a glow. I bet the glow was coming from lots of satisfying sex, but I’m not going to argue.

One last thing, since we’re on the issue. I was reading the December Playboy and in the Adviser section, G.T., from Huntington Beach, Ca., wrote in stating that he and his friends found that they were 35 percent more likely to receive oral sex from their girlfriends if they referred to the act as a “blow party,” rather than a job. Psychology at work — it’s worth a shot.

Dear Tony,

You know you’re adding to the problem of our sex-obsessed culture. Why don’t you ever write about STDs, abortion, abuse or the other dangers of sex?

Concerned Citizen

Funny you should ask. This week I wrote a treatise on the sad state of modern sexuality and the apathy of the Abercrombie ‘ Fitch generation. I trashed that rant because this column is about levity, and, besides, nobody would care. Pick up the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette and you’ll see stories about parents starving their infants to death, flood victims losing their homes and all the other murder, war and tragedy in this world. If you want to laugh at a guy with a 4-inch penis, read my column. If that ain’t your cup o’ tea, be my guest and read one of the other fine columns The Pitt News has to offer.

Anyone who’s been around has seen “the dangers of sex.” We all know about pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases and abuse. Despite the modern wave of conservatism though, somehow a lot of men are still pigeonholed as either virgin or date-rapist and a lot of women still don’t know how to have an orgasm, no matter how many people they sleep with. You see, those are the products of “dangerous sex” propaganda. College kids are going to keep having lots of sex, good and bad. If they learn to forgive themselves for being human instead of repressing feelings of shame or self-loathing, maybe they’ll outgrow some of their sexual problems.

This column is about voyeurism, kink and making Monday morning a little less of a pain in the ass. The fact is that no one writes in with more serious problems like what those funny red bumps are, and I’m not a medical doctor or a counselor, so I wouldn’t be qualified to answer if they did. And if I were a counselor, I wouldn’t be in school and couldn’t write this column.

So look, if you want to get a horrible picture of yourself printed under the word “sex” 14,000 times every week, go ahead and challenge me for my job next year. If you win, you’ll be able to write about trauma and repression to your little heart’s content. I’ll leave it up to the readers.

By the way, if I am having so much of an effect on all of your sex lives and somehow getting everyone laid like this place was Sodom, how come I haven’t gotten any thank-you letters from you ungrateful bastards?

E-mail Tony and Liz at [email protected].