Dear Anthony,

What’s the “average?” I’m pretty small, about 4 and a half inches, and can’t… Dear Anthony,

What’s the “average?” I’m pretty small, about 4 and a half inches, and can’t bear to sleep with a woman out of fear. I’m angry and tired of being small and a virgin!

-Size Matters

Settle down there, man. Don’t be one of those mean little men always looking to prove something. That’s what’s keeping you lily white and pure.

When I was about 6 I saw this old episode of Saturday Night Live. A rabbi was talking about sex, and when asked how large the average man was, he responded, “6 inches flaccid and 12 inches erect. Some poor men can be as small as 8 inches erect, but may compensate with vast sums of money.”

At 6, I wasn’t quite packing a standard ruler, and that damned skit ruined my life for years to come. I wouldn’t even use public bathrooms … friggin’ Lorne Michaels. It wasn’t until I was about 12 that I went online and found out that only about one guy in 50 is lucky enough to be 8 inches, and that in the inverse, one guy in 50 is 4 inches. The average is 6 inches.

So you’re small — bad genetics, shucks. Still, the fact that you have those genes proves that small guys are getting laid, so buck up. Yeah, being small is never a turn-on, and being a larger is, but so are good abs and being able to laugh at yourself.

Women care about being with a guy who’s good in bed, but if you can’t get her off with what’s in your pants, use your tongue. Making a woman come is making a woman come. Being afraid and angry are bigger turn-offs than being hung like an infant. Or, if you can’t get over your insecurities, find a woman with small breasts who’s just as insecure about size as you are.

Also, don’t waste your money on those Internet pills; nothing short of surgery or enough testosterone to down an elephant is going to make you big. In the end, which is worse: having some woman know you’re small or being a hate-filled, overcompensating, lifelong virgin?

Dear Anthony,

For the past year or so, I’ve been sexually active. I had a serious girlfriend for my first time, but after we broke up I decided to get as much tail as I possibly could. I made it a summer hobby to try and sleep with all of my friends’ moms. I thought this was really cool, especially since I’d soon be off at college and wouldn’t have to ever see them again.

My best friend is also my roommate, and I slept with his mother. Now, she keeps calling him to say she wants to visit, but she’s calling me as well, saying that she’s really only coming to see me. I’m definitely going to have sex with her while she’s here. How can I do it without him knowing who’s moaning in my bed?

-The Undergraduate

All right, I’ll play along.

One: you realize that you define the pinnacle of insults in the English language, right, bud?

Two: some high school tart broke your virginal heart and now you’re getting on the desperate and geriatric. Look, any young, dumb and spunky kid can rob the Craftmatic adjustable bed. If you want to, go ahead. Rock ‘n’ roll.

The thing is, you don’t bang your friends’ mothers. You thought it was “really cool” because you’d “never have to see them again?” What kind of a man are you, and whom are you trying to fool?

You don’t have friends now; you have a posse that is going to collectively beat the life out of you come April. Even though you’re at college right now, you are going to go back home. You also don’t seem to understand that people talk. Word gets around, especially moans from the next bed.

Speaking of which, you also don’t hook up with someone while a third party is still in the room, unless they’re getting in on it. Of course, that would be incest in this situation. Jesus.

But to answer your question, tap that ass back at her hotel. Fill up the complementary ice bucket for a night of orifice-packing, and keep the fantasy of deceit going by coyly referring to the woman as “Mom” in front of room service. Be her little toy, and reap the whirlwind — that should be just as much of a deviant turn-on as ruining your best friend’s life.

Got sex questions? E-mail Anthony and Liz at [email protected].