I’ve got some things to tell the freshmen while they’re still fresh and clean. Male or female,… I’ve got some things to tell the freshmen while they’re still fresh and clean. Male or female, these are things you want to hear. They’ll keep you on and get you through the first two semesters.

You’re going to change this year. You’re going to change more than you ever have in your life, so make it for the better. Start that change by leaving high school behind. It’s over, and you’ve got a lot to look forward to. If you and your people grow apart, then you grow apart. You can grow back.

Besides, I bet the real problem is that high school sweetheart. Couples who move from high school to college tend to fail in the worst ways. So first, you have to learn to move on. Break it off clean and without a pang of fear or regret. That person saw something in you when you hooked up. They’ll probably see that same something again, even if you take a break. If they don’t, who gives a damn?

If you end it now though, with some class, you’ll have that path clean. Jealousy, fights, repression — that’s not class.

Focus on getting your life together, not someone else’s. Shuffle off the moral coil and meet some people. Do what you really want to do. This is the time to get on your game.

You’re reading this looking for some solid trick, right? Sorry, but that’s a mistake. No single trick will make everything easy and fine. Trying to come up with the perfect line or the perfect thrust is a waste. It’s desperate, and no one wants to be with someone who’s desperate, at least not after that first time.

So, secondly, don’t be so eager. Play the game, and everything and everyone will come. All by your lonesome? Don’t blame the person who doesn’t feel you. Forget blame and stop complaining. As kids, our parents all told us we were special. That was a lie. Getting away from home and parents will teach you that. If you want to light someone up, don’t take the tired way out; don’t just be your special little self.

If I wrote this column for 10 years, I’d never tell anyone to be his- or herself. Be more. Look yourself up and down and become the type of you that keeps in shape, is always fun to be around and can just shut up about his or her own garbage and listen. It’s not selling out and it’s not trite; it’s real.

Thousands of us move through this campus every day, and we’re all ourselves. Why should our blood course harder when you walk past? That selfishness is like a brick. All you have to do is put it down. Don’t be so eager to please yourself at any cost. That’s usually just gilded masochism, anyway. And don’t be so eager to please someone else. Please people who please you. And make ’em work for it.

In the end though, it doesn’t take that kind of balance to get laid. Five bucks worth of Natty can get you there. The point is, once you start getting there, you have to watch yourself. Once you get in that groove, it’s easy to live the life too hard. Keep the quality up. Never lose that head of yours.

Now, as freshmen you’re new to this freedom, so you’re probably gonna overindulge. You’re being too eager, remember? If your grades really start to slip, just lay low. All the liberation will bounce — along with the rest of the University — if you don’t do well enough. Don’t get into drunken fights, blaze in your dorm and start weekdays off by waking at two p.m. and pounding half a fifth of vodka.

Safe, experienced excess is only semesters away. You get hurt being too precocious. I mean that literally. I look down at my body and see a lot of actual scars, most of them from blunt idiocy. It’s a shame that’s how I learned.

So the third lesson is just slide. Slide and let slide. Don’t go too far, and don’t get too shook because you’ve changed. Liking sex doesn’t make you a whore, just a fun little minx, among other things. Don’t take anything too seriously. Forget the venom and drama that try to crawl into your bed. Just slide.

Well, that’s the meat of how to thrive. Now, there are some tricks. I know what I said, but I exaggerated. So always remember trick one: Don’t trust anyone fully, especially someone you just met. Trick two: Wear protection every time. You can only guess where he or she’s been. There are a lot more tricks out there, ones I’d much rather write about and ones you’d rather read about. If you don’t ask, we can’t answer. And you want us to answer.

So until then, get open, but watch yourself. Enjoy your time here. Move on, don’t be so eager, and slide.

You can contact Anthony at [email protected].