Everybody knows today’s big news: Jon Bon Jovi (“on a steel horse he rides”) is here. Though… Everybody knows today’s big news: Jon Bon Jovi (“on a steel horse he rides”) is here. Though he’s wanted — wanted — dead or alive, he promises to evade the law long enough to rock your face with his band, The Jon Bon Joviality Project.

With all the ballyhoo surrounding J.B.J., it’s easy to miss another visitor to our fine campus: Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.), who sources tell me is running for president. Kerry has snuck in under the radar, like Springsteen used to, barely advertising his visit. He’ll take the stage today for a blistering set of favorites like, “It is essential that we have a process in place that actually empowers the Iraqi people and legitimizes the transformation of Iraq to that stability,” and his now-classic cover of MC5’s “Kick Out the Jams.”

Okay, he’s here and he’s ready to rock for liberty. But who is Kerry? This is the man Democrats and Descartes-reading liberals are pinning their November hopes on. Does he live up to the hype?

The answer is, of course, “it depends.” It depends on what you think this election is about.

One thing it’s about, for many on the left, is beating George W. Bush. Who can send the Cowboy back to his hobby ranch? The chant of “electability, electability,” is spoken in quasi-mystical tones as, beginning with the Iowa primaries, Democrats divined that Kerry has the best chance of defeating the president.

They’re probably right — Kerry has lost only one election in his career, when a member of Nixon’s dirty tricks crew sabotaged Kerry’s first run at Congress. After that loss, in which his opponent tried to turn Kerry’s service in Vietnam against him, Kerry left politics to complete law school and become a district attorney.

Ten years later, the political bug struck again, and Kerry ran for lieutenant governor. He won, and has been winning ever since, despite the endless repetition of the same old charges. He has a knack for winning, an innate ability to recognize where and when to make the decisive move. His former media adviser, Dan Payne, calls these moments “third-rail time” — referring to the electrified third rail of a subway; Kerry’s third-rail moves leave opponents shocked and smoking.

The back-story gives hope to those who want Bush gone. For them, the coming election is about winning, and Kerry is a proven winner. He’s refused to criticize the situation in Iraq except in the most general terms, letting the Bush administration slowly bleed approval points without getting his hands dirty. Instead, he’s focused on the economy, the huge deficit President Bush has run up, and tax cuts that benefit the rich (including Messrs. Bush and Cheney). There’s a gathering charge in the air, as though it might soon be third-rail time.

Yet, when I asked my friend what he thought about Kerry, he replied, “Well, he can’t be any worse than Bush.” Indeed. And it sounds as though, if Kerry is in need of a slogan, he might consider, “John Kerry: The Lesser of Two Evils.”

This is the problem with running a campaign solely to beat the other guy, as many on the left want Kerry to do. Voters have two choices: Bush, and Anti-Bush. That works for voters already rabid about overthrowing King George, but it won’t bring in those who normally don’t vote. “He can’t be any worse than Bush” is not a galvanizing slogan.

It might sound as though I don’t like John Kerry. To be honest, most of his campaign has left me less than ecstatic. I haven’t really bought the whole “gravitas” argument —-if it’s so crucial that a president have gravitas, how do you explain the current CEO-in-Chief? Don’t quote me on this, but I think Bush would read “gravitas” with a Spanish accent and wonder why no one is impressed.

But after doing more research, digging below Kerry’s managed persona, I think he’s a pretty good guy. As a prosecutor, he put mobsters behind bars; in Congress he opened the probe that revealed Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega’s connection to the Reagan-sponsored contras. He investigated the Bank of Credit and Commerce International money-laundering ring, which got him in hot water with Democrats whose friends got caught in the dragnet. In the past he’s had the support of Kurt Vonnegut and John McCain, and that’s good enough for me.

John Kerry is fond of resisting labels — I hope in this campaign he’ll resist the “Anti-Bush” label and define himself as something more of a winner. Because in this election, I want something more than the more popular of two mediocrities; I — and the half of Americans who don’t vote — don’t want another human advertisement; we want someone who’ll bring substance and complexity back to politics.

And that will make victory all the sweeter.

Jesse Hicks forgot to mention Paris Hilton in this column. The streak is broken! E-mail consolations to [email protected].