Hey, guys you wanna go to the malt shop? How ?bout we kick off our shoes and do the hop?… Hey, guys you wanna go to the malt shop? How ?bout we kick off our shoes and do the hop? Wouldn?t that be neat?

Fifties nostalgia is back in Westchester County, N.Y. In an effort to curb underage drinking, county officials are beginning an ad campaign, using Archie Comics characters as spokes-cartoons. Bus advertisements featuring Archie and the gang will be out this month, admonishing kids not to drink or use fake IDs.

The county seems to think that recalling those glorious times of poodle skirts, segregation and fallout shelters ? times that even Nick At Nite deems too outdated to broadcast ? is the key to keeping kids off booze.

Westchester County has severely misjudged the generation gap. The kids they?re targeting have barely heard of MC Hammer, much less Archie and Veronica. And who wants to return to a bloodless Nation of Stepford anyway?

The National Academy of Sciences has recommended a saner, but not more favorable approach. Its National Research Council and Institute of Medicine proposed a raise in federal excise taxes on beer ? which, in a Sept. 9 press release, is cited as young people?s preferred alcohol beverage. This, it said, would lead to a decrease in underage drinking.

It, in fact, will lead to people drinking cheaper beer than they currently are. Teenagers have more disposable income than almost any other demographic, so while the rest of us are drinking Crap Brand Beer, will this actually act as a deterrent?

The Academy reports that the United States spends an inordinate amount on enforcing drinking laws ? money it wants to recoup with a higher tax, though the report does not suggest an amount.

In Pittsburgh, recent raids on Oakland bars such as Cumpie?s Restaurant and Lounge, Denny?s Bar and Bootleggers, show exactly how this money is being spent ? on Bureau of Liquor Control Enforcement officers and state police. Stopping underage drinking falls to them, and taxpayers already pay for their services.

Why doubly charge the of-age citizenry ? in both general and specific luxury taxes?

It?s true that the country needs the money, with states going bankrupt and the economy sluggish. Despite our desire to return to the prosperous, puritanical ?50s, we can?t, not with everyone having budget crises.

Why not just be honest and say that the nation needs the money ? to pay for underage drinking enforcement, education or other under-funded programs?

Both methods ? taxes and comic book ads ? seem to only tangentially address underage drinking, through watered-down dissuasion rather than enforcement.