There are a lot of things you’ll learn in college, and few of them are taught in a… There are a lot of things you’ll learn in college, and few of them are taught in a classroom. Cobbled together for your edification and edutainment, here are a few gleaming pearls of collegiate wisdom from the illustrious editors of The Pitt News.

When I was a small child, I used to play hide-and-seek. As the It counted, I would run to the middle of yard and stand there, wringing my hands, squeezing my eyes shut. Sometimes I would even jump up and down, thinking: If I can’t see them, they can’t see me.

It doesn’t work that way. God bless us all.

-Jen Bartman, Assistant Copy Chief

If you have roommates who make videotapes of themselves falling out of inflatable chairs, perform energy rituals on the couch, eat cream cheese on pizza, will trade blind dates with you and force you to watch Stephen King movies about hairballs that eat time, consider yourself lucky. Really.

-Sydney Bergman, Assistant Opinions Editor

Learn the bus system and learn it fast. It’s your lifeline, and, unless you know what bus goes where when, and where you need to catch it, you’re going to miss the South Side, Shadyside and other fun places. And you’ll realize quickly enough that Oakland is the last place in which you want to be stranded.

-Dante A. Ciampaglia, Assistant A’E Editor

Look both ways as you cross Bigelow Boulevard between the Union and the Cathedral. Just because the sign instructs drivers to yield for pedestrians does not mean they will. Oh, and watch out for potholes in the sidewalks. It really hurts when you go down.

-Cathy Denning, Layout Editor

If you have a major in mind but hate your classes, don’t try to tough it out. I started college hoping to hone my business skills, but my homework made me want to pick fights with brick walls. It took me two years to realize that, if I couldn’t stand doing the work in college, having a job in the business world would put me in Shady Acres. And what’s the use of making more money, only to spend it on psychiatric care?

-Marty Flaherty, Copy Chief

Students are not the only people who live in Oakland. Respect your community and your neighbors, and they’ll respect you back. If you want to find out what people who have lived here all their life feel like, I’ll get some friends together and come over to your place, drink on your porch, and then throw the cans into your yard.

All of a sudden, staying quiet and buying a trash can don’t seem so bad, huh?

-Greg Heller-LaBelle, Editor in Chief

Keep your door open, it’s one of the easiest ways to meet new people during your first few weeks on campus.

Be accountable for your actions and keep on top of your work – it’s easy to put assignments off, but sooner or later they’re going to need to be done. If you’re away from home, there’s no one to keep you in check, so make sure not to forget why you’re here.

-Katie Leonard, Assistant News Editor

Get season tickets to football and men’s basketball games. There is no better way to bond with your classmates.

If you came here still in a relationship that started in high school, end it. It will make college that much better.

And if a homeless person asks you to buy him beer, do it, but make sure you drink one with him.

-Joe Marchilena, Sports Editor

Lectures may not be mandatory, but it’s in your best interest to go – if you don’t want to take the class again next semester. Parties are oodles of fun, but don’t forget that this city can serve up way more than alcohol.

Check out the neighborhoods and see what each has to offer.

Don’t place your alarm clock close to your bed. It’s too easy to slap the snooze button and sleep through that recitation. Instead, put it across the room, so you actually have to get out of bed to turn it off.

-Katie Mavrich, A’E Editor

Oh, and another thing. Have you seen those big, foam panther claws you can wear on your hand? They sell ’em at Pitt merchandise locations around campus. Buy one. Seriously. Do it. Personally, a chick let me feel her up with one. At worst, you can use it as the Christmas tree star when you’re 45.

-David J. McCarthy, Photo Editor

Here’s a super-secret, fail-safe tip on how to make decent grades and graduate on time. Go to freakin’ class. Every time. There will be other sunny days, and other hangovers, much more intense than this one. Read everything assigned to you. If you do these simple things and still fail, you must just be stupid. Ain’t that a shame.

And after I saw Christina Aguilera’s spread in Maxim, I had to buy new batteries.

-Melissa Meinzer, Opinions Editor

If you want to enjoy your entire first year at Pitt, or the rest of your life for that matter, please look both ways before crossing Fifth Avenue.

Also, make sure to check your food before eating. You never know what you may find when you’re dealing with cafeteria food.

-Kevin Nash, Assistant Sports Editor

Always remember to take advantage of late-night, half-price restaurant menus. It may take a while for your stomach to get used to such a late dinner schedule, but your wallet will thank you.

Whatever you do, if you are called to join a secret society at Pitt – such as the Druids – do not do it. If you join, people will find out who you are when you’re walking around campus late at night in long, hooded, black robes, and think you are weird.

-Christian Schoening, Managing Editor

If you begin to see anatomically correct details in your dorm room walls, you haven’t been getting out enough. Join any organization that will let you in the room; you can narrow down your interests later. No matter what you hear, there are no flaming weasels in the Towers’ heating ducts – yet.

-J. Elizabeth Strohm, News Editor