One of the greatest aspects of being at war is that it unites Americans in an “us against… One of the greatest aspects of being at war is that it unites Americans in an “us against them” mentality. For now, we can stop bickering among ourselves. We can forget the petty squabbles like who’s discriminating against whom, what companies may or may not be ruining the environment and ripping off the consumer, and whose fault it is that our economy is a big, bloated piece of crap. Yes, we can leave all that behind us right now and join hands and focus our hatred on Arabs.

Our government now has powers it was never meant to have and it’s trying to get more. And I’m sure we loyal Americans will stand back and let the government do whatever it wants. But why waste our efforts to alienate and terrorize on just immigrants from the Arab nations? We could take care of everyone in one fell swoop. There are a few groups we have overlooked, potentially dangerous sections of society who don’t deserve to be walking around freely.

First off, there are monkeys. Hear me out: Remember there was time when nobody thought asbestos was dangerous. Chimps, apes, call them what you will, they are our closest genetic relatives. They act like us, they think like us, and I’d argue they even look like us. What’s going to happen when they realize the true power of their opposable thumbs? The only thing they don’t have on us is proper vocal cords for speaking. But we may have already caused our own downfall. Certain gorillas have been taught sign language. Now they have the power. They may just sign things like, “Bananas good, poop smells,” but when the researchers turn their backs these terrorists may be signing things to each other like, “The Homo Sapiens are doomed. The Day of the Chimp is nigh.”

Another not-so-obvious threat is vegetarians. What do you mean you don’t eat meat or meat by-products? Cattle, pig, and chicken farming are major forces of the American economy. The vegetarians are trying to undermine the financial stability of the meat industry and in doing so, destroy America. They’re enthusiastic evangelizers too. You can find them all over the place with their pamphlets and their bean curd. Make sure your children know the dangers of experimenting with healthy lifestyles, America.

The list goes on – anti-tobacco lobbyists for instance. Teachers who make children read Tom Sawyer and “Huckleberry Finn.” Children’s show hosts who don’t teach kids the valuable lesson of hate. Single mothers, welfare recipients, and all types of needy people who are trying to steal important tax dollars away from the defense budget.

Sound ridiculous? So does targeting immigrants because of their nationality. Terrorists are a minority group. I know with the media and everything we see on television and in the movies, it’s hard to keep this fact in mind, but people who want to hurt people don’t constitute the majority of the human race. Foolish ideas such as the Patriot Act are not going to prevent terrorism, and any effectiveness they have will be bought at a terrible price.

I hate to trivialize matters with cheesy examples but excuse me while I do just that. Many of us know the crazy but true statistic that each year thousands of left-handed people are killed when using right-handed appliances. So do we hunt down these murderous appliances?

The one dude who reads this column will say to himself, “Sure, Seth Steinbacher has complained enough but what does he think we should do about it?”

I think we do nothing. We should stick with our pre-Sept. 11, 2001, immigrant screening process and then leave those who make it in the country alone. Whether Irish, Pakistani or Martian, everyone deserves to be left alone by the government. This isn’t now and never was a country of black-and-white absolutes. Let’s all get used to it.

Seth Steinbacher realizes that chimps, apes and gorillas aren’t all the same thing. Come peel his banana at ssteinbacher@pittnews.