Do ferrets bark?

According to Yahoo News, a retired Argentinian man bought two toy poodles at an open air market in Buenos Aires. Or so he thought. When he took the dogs to a vet for a checkup, he was told the dogs he had purchased were actually ferrets that had been injected with steroids since birth and had their fur specially groomed in order to resemble white, fluffy canines. The man paid $150 per counterfeit canine. In related and completely fictional news, an overjoyed customer of a booth a few stalls over discovered the same week that the pet ferret he bought was actually a shaved toy poodle.

Not so f*cking awesome

According to CBS Local, on Saturday, April 6, a woman in Longmont, Colo., was charged with harassment and domestic violence when she choked her boyfriend for singing the Macklemore and Ryan Lewis hit, “Thrift Shop.” The couple, Lars Hansen and Samantha Malson, was at home celebrating Hansen’s birthday, and they reportedly became intoxicated. Hansen then laid down on the couch and began playing and singing “Thrift Shop” repeatedly. According to the police report, Malson told Hansen to stop singing 25 times. When he refused to comply, she allegedly began choking him. “He just annoyed me. I grabbed him around the throat. I did it for intimidation,” Malson told police. This story proves just how suffocating overplayed songs can be.

Cashew later

According to ABC News, in Dubuque, Iowa, a leopard tortoise that went missing from the National Mississippi River Museum and Aquarium was found in an elevator in the building. According to workers from the museum, the 18-pound tortoise, named Cashew, was probably stolen and returned quietly. The tortoise is in good health and again belongs to the exhibit. While museum officials believe that Cashew was stolen either as a prank or to be sold, perhaps Cashew’s getaway was simply a “Finding Nemo”-esque escape plot gone wrong — he just wanted to come out of his shell a little.

Breakfast of champions

According to the Toronto Sun, a company in St. Catharines, Ontario, is producing a new type of cereal. Their “Sexcereal” has different formulations for men and women, and it’s priced at 12 Canadian dollars (that’s about $11.87 in the U.S.) per box. Creator Peter Ehrlich apparently thought of the idea when he was walking through a vegan food fair. The recipes are designed to naturally improve sexual health. The creators of the cereal say they want their product to seem legitimate, and they didn’t create it for the shock value. One thing’s for certain: With this cereal, you should get a lot of bang for your buck.