Daddy Day Care

A Florida man is in trouble for leaving a 10-month-old child in the care of a pit bull. The man had left the child with the dog so he could go to a bar.

When confronted by the child’s mother after she returned from work, the man assured her the infant was not alone, because the pit bull was watching him.

We think this is a simple misunderstanding. Everybody knows when in the care of Pitbull, you don’t forget about your baby and meet me at the bar; you forget about your boyfriend and meet me at the hotel room.

No room at the inn? I know some giraffes with a futon

A Charleston, S.C., tree-lighting ceremony turned chaotic when a 2-year-old giraffe named Melman involved in the ritual became frightened by the hordes of onlookers.

Ellen Moryl, Charleston’s cultural affairs director, attributed the giraffe’s unruly behavior, which essentially amounted to a few seconds of excessive jumping and whinnying, to a large number of camera flashes, as well as a surprise confetti cannon.

While there is good reason to question what a giraffe was doing at a Christmas ceremony, we are just thankful nobody in South Carolina thinks it’s a good idea to have a Panther at a tree-lighting (although, to be fair, we had a few seconds of excessive jumping and whinnying when we first experienced a confetti cannon).

Junk Mail

For a mere $8.99, Fart By Mail, a California-based mail-order service, will deliver an envelope filled with flatulence odor to any location in America.

While not actual farts, the plastic bags, which must be opened with scissors (preferably away from others) do pack a chemically-produced punch enough for some recipients to “toss their cookies.”

Thus, it appears that for some people, the most useful piece of mail received during a given month may be a hermetically sealed fart. We’re only a couple million farts away from saving the U.S. Postal Service.

Call to Action

This week, Pizza Hut Canada released 110 bottles of a new pizza-scented perfume, “Eau de Pizza Hut,” to fans on Facebook.

Representatives of Pizza Hut Canada are not sure if they will expand beyond the current production level. They are waiting to hear responses to the fragrance, which is scented like “the smell of a box of Pizza Hut pizza being opened.”

We are concerned and upset that Pizza Hut America isn’t leading this charge. Who wouldn’t love a touch of pizza scent on the wrists or behind the ear more than the average American? We already lose countless hours of productivity constantly journeying to the William Pitt Union Pizza Hut, desperate to rub pizza on ourselves to capture that fresh-out-of-the-box optimism. Just put it into a convenient bottle and placate us.

To those who say Pizza Hut perfume isn’t sexy, or that it will turn off potential partners, we agree. But we think it’s a good thing, and it is a refreshing 21st century attitude to finally have a scent developed specifically for “me” time. What better way to start this trend than pizza perfume? No other food action, after all, inspires as much disgust in others yet satisfaction in yourself than the process of trying to shove three slices of pizza into your gaping hole of a mouth. This feeling must be translated to scents.