Kim Jong-Un-mistakably Sexy

This week, China’s Communist Party newspaper, The People’s Daily, reported that “North Korea’s top leader named The Onion’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2012,” unaware of the contest’s satirical nature.

The Daily’s online post included a 55-page photo spread, as well as quotes from the Onion article praising dictator Kim Jong-Un — “With his devastatingly handsome round face, his boyish charm and his strong, sturdy frame, this Pyongyang-bred heartthrob is every woman’s dream come true.”

While Un is undoubtedly thrilled that his prize has been taken so seriously, it remains to be seen whether he will match his father Kim Jong-Il’s unprecedented 38-under-par golf game (an 11 holes-in-one romp attained during his first try), or gain his father’s magical powers to control the weather by mood. The Onion announces 2012’s best golfers and best wizards soon.

I want to see that handshake thing soon

Lindsay Lohan was arrested early Thursday morning for allegedly punching a woman in the face at a New York nightclub. Later in the day, a Santa Monica city attorney filed four charges against Lohan for reckless driving and other offenses related to a car crash last summer.

The two incidents mark the end of a rough week for the former child star, whose comeback Lifetime movie, “Liz & Dick,” has been panned by critics.

But two legal incidents at opposite sides of the country? Hijinks and shenanigans by one woman somehow in two locations at once? Rejoice, Lohan fans, your moment has finally arrived: “Parent Trap” Lindsay is back!

Just one more brownie?

19-year-old Damaine Mitchell appeared before an Ohio judge earlier this month for drug trafficking.

When told by the judge he could stay out of prison if he quit smoking marijuana, Mitchell responded that he likes smoking a lot, and giving it up would be “a challenge.” He then said he would try, but only if he could “at least get one more joint in.”

The judge quickly rejected his proposal, thereby preventing the “at least one more carjacking,” “at least one more count of grand larceny” and “at least one more murder” precedent from gaining traction in the American legal system.

Pope spares Santa

Have no fear, the pope has not canceled Christmas.

The Holy See found itself reassuring the public of this after the publication of Pope Benedict’s recent book, “Jesus of Nazareth: The Infancy Narratives” — which claims Jesus was born several years before year zero and that animals were likely not present at the birth — led many tabloids and social media users to claim that the Pope has canceled the holiday.

While the Pope is no heat-miser, we do applaud him saving the world. By clarifying Jesus’ earlier birth date, he’s shown we are really in the year 2018 or so, not 2012. As thanks for his having averted the Mayan apocalypse, we will not laugh at his funny shoes ever again.