Theoretically, there’s no way to lose

Democrat Walter Sansing and Republican Jim Huckeba both ran unopposed for Bibb County Commissioner in Alabama and Orange County Tax Collector in Florida, respectively. Not a living soul stood between them and their seats.

Yet, two dead people did.

Bibb and Orange County voters selected their deceased counterparts, Democrat Earl K. Wood and Republican Charles Beasley, despite both having passed away in October.

Political scientists have a lot to question now that it has been determined it is possible to lose a one-person race.

There is nothing sacred

German folk brass band “Kastelruther Spatzen,” performer of favorites “Immer Noch” and “Bleib Dem Herzen Immer Treu,” has been accused of using studio musicians and lip synch techniques for more than 30 years of recording and performing.

According to the band’s ex-producer, its success is “based on a giant fraud.”

We’d like to thank Kastelruther Spatzen for many great years of laughs. Everybody remembers where they were when they first heard “Zufall oder Schicksal.” But most importantly, thanks for living the dream: wearing lederhosen and funny ties, touring Bavaria and just chilling with the guys. It was quite a ride.

Aquarium memoriam

Activists from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals in California are seeking a road sign to memorialize 1,600 pounds of saltwater bass killed during a three-way crash between the truck hauling them and two other vehicles. Spokeswoman Ashley Byrne said, “They are on their way to slaughter, which is, of course, pretty hellish. To suffer an accident on the way and be left in the middle of the street is unthinkable.”

PETA officials will spend the next few weeks posthumously naming all thousand or so fish lost, with the purpose of rereading the names of mothers, fathers, sons and daughters each year.

The group also announced it will seek reforms to the legal system so all those 4-year-olds whose negligence has led to the deaths of millions of goldfish can be properly prosecuted.

Stag staggers in store

A Mt. Lebanon carpet store was terrorized this week when a rogue deer crashed through the front window and thrashed throughout the store for 45 minutes. Here’s an account of the deer’s thoughts leading up to and during the rampage:

5:23 p.m.: I will find the man who took away my mother.

5:25 p.m.: Darn, this is a carpet store.

5:26 p.m.: Well I ain’t got no doe for this stuff.

5:26 p.m.: Just a buck.

5:29 p.m.: Fawning over this Berber carpet!

5:30 p.m.: This laminate would go so nicely under my tree. Might get slippy though.

5:37 p.m.: No, salesman, I do not appreciate you taking a “shot in the dark” and guessing I don’t have time to clean ink stains on my carpet.

5:42 p.m.: I’ve had the same carpet under my other tree for 40 years. No reason to change now. Not one of them fancy folks from Mt. Lebanon.

5:45 p.m.: Bargain hunting!? Deer have feelings, too.

5:48 p.m.: Seriously, I’m going to go on a rampage if I have to spend one more second in this store carpet shopping.