Why are you wearing cologne to Zumba, honey?

A Maine Zumba fitness instructor is under investigation for running a prostitution business. Residents first became suspicious when dozens of men mysteriously began signing up for the dance-based fitness class. Apparently, the men of Maine aren’t actually interested in firm glutes — or at least not their own.

The joys of modern science

Scientists this week announced they have studied the barley genome and believe they may not only be able to improve crop yields, but may also now understand the key to better beer. We just wonder what Natty Light representatives will say now that the old “we haven’t studied the genome” excuse doesn’t hold.

Let’s fix Pitt football

Singapore, upset that its soccer league performed so poorly compared to other regions, is now planning to punish its weakest teams with fines. This “carrot-and-stick” approach will boost the reward for winning the Singapore title, but will require losing team members to pay five-figure fines. Should Pitt suffer a humiliating defeat to Buffalo this weekend, we hope Pitt officials proceed with the Singapore approach: five Sorrento’s pizzas by each player for every point lost, no exceptions. Then we’ll see how many 21-points-unanswered third quarters we have to watch.

Thank goodness that’s not a problem anymore

On Wednesday, a British police officer used a stun gun on a blind man, mistaking his white cane for a samurai sword. In all fairness to the officer, we all know at least one person who has been the victim of a blind person attacking with a samurai sword. Bravo for fixing Britain’s greatest problem.

The requisite pun

A Viennese museum has decided to cover the “intimate parts” of three naked male soccer players currently pictured on posters promoting the museum’s Naked Men exhibition. Disappointed fans are upset they will no longer be able to kick the balls of those who kick balls.

We’re soooo happy for you

A 22-year-old man won $30.5 million in the Massachusetts lottery this week, a few weeks after being dumped by his girlfriend. While we are happy for his luck, we are also upset that our “moral victories” for not responding to our ex’s text messages now seems completely unimpressive. Thanks a lot.