Editor’s Note: This story is satirical.

Chancellor Gallagher, after almost a year spent focusing on Pitt’s financial stability, let his previous financial plans go up in smoke.

Gallagher told sources that his new idea was “fire” and “too hot, hot damn” before purposely starting a grease fire in the Cathedral Café to claim the insurance money. 

Police arrested Gallagher on Tuesday night on suspicion of arson in the second degree, destroying a historical landmark, insurance fraud and endangering the lives of countless faculty members and students, following accusations that he burned down the Cathedral of Learning as another stunt to increase revenue for Pitt.

“I was only trying to help the students,” Gallagher said. “The man wasn’t going to give us more money, so I set out to get it myself.”

Gallagher’s arrest came after he hired two new officials, Fannie Mae-Jones and Freddie Mac-Williams, whose jobs are to increase revenue for Pitt. 

Despite the new hires, and the fact that Pitt is most expensive public university in the country, his arrest has sparked rumors that Pitt’s balances are in the red. Additionally, the University has been paying all of its expenses, including professor salaries, with a combination of dining dollars, IOU’s and front row tickets to the underwater basket weaving competition hosted in Trees Hall next month.

Indeed, official documents reveal that the nearly century-old building, now reduced to a pile of ash and rubble, was only insured for 225 dining dollars, unbeknownst to Gallagher. 

“I’ll swipe you into Market if you can brush this fire under the rug,” Gallagher reportedly told Pitt police chief James Loftus. 

Ken Service, vice chancellor for communications, confirmed the dining dollar insurance and said Pitt was forced to change the insurance policy from real money to dining dollars after the recession.

“We didn’t really have a choice,” Service said in an email. “But now the entire ACC conducts business solely with our dining dollars, so we’re really trailblazing on this one.”

One professor who asked to remain anonymous said that, in lieu of a paycheck, Gallagher himself had been stopping by his office in person to deliver a basket of fruit and an apology note every two weeks. 

“Are we broke? Yes. And no,” Service said. “Are we broke in terms of real money? Yes. Are we broke in terms of dining dollars? Absolutely not!”

Indeed, in an announcement last week, Pa. Gov. Tom Wolf proposed an 11 percent increase in dining dollar funding to Pitt. 

“Is Gallagher crazy and burned down Cathy because he’s money hungry? Yes. And no. Well, no, actually yes. He’s actually crazy and money hungry,” Service said.