As I sit in my apartment, sunk into my couch, my head is pounding. No, I don’t have a…As I sit in my apartment, sunk into my couch, my head is pounding. No, I don’t have a headache. My head is literally pounding from the wall-shaking intensity of the music coming from the apartment above mine. It seems like no-brainer etiquette that as a neighbor you should be respectful and keep your music low, but the gentlemen that live above me don’t seem to realize that. So, in light of their disrespect, I have compiled a list of counterattacks that could shut them up. If you have the same problem, these strategies might help you too.

Fight fire with fire

Sometimes the only way to fight rising noise is through an arms race of sound. As their music gets louder, you crank your music up, too, in increasing intervals until one of you has no choice but to back off. Considering that your neighbors likely have no shame and won’t be the ones to back down, you’ll probably lose. Figuratively, there’s one thing you need to fight their fire: fireworks.

OK, so don’t actually set off fireworks: Don’t set South Oakland ablaze. Instead, just stand outside banging pots and pans, causing a general ruckus. Sure, they might start throwing things at you, but that’s better than stewing in silence and eventually murdering your neighbors and landing in jail for life.

Take a self-defense class

This is a little bit more practical in the case that you decide to calmly confront your neighbor, and he turns out to be a huge man twice your size. Let’s be real: You can’t trust people who listen to such bad music. If you try to confront your neighbor about his listening habits, he might either listen to you politely or try to beat you up. If the first happens, that’s great for you, but you would be wise to prepare for option two. It would be helpful to have some self-defense training so you don’t die in his bass-pumped apartment. Pitt offers classes through the physical education department that you can take for credit, and there are a variety of clubs around campus run by people who would be happy to teach you some new moves. And hopefully you will never need to use them.

The “Home Alone” approach

Remember the movie “Home Alone”? The one where Kevin is accidentally left behind by his family who leaves for Christmas vacation? Well, while Kevin is home (alone), there are two burglars trying to rob his house, and he has to defend himself against them. One iconic scene in the movie shows Kevin watching a movie — that is also fictional — in which a gangster fires a machine gun, and the sound of the movie leads the burglars to believe there is some dirty business happening inside the house. Though created by a kid, this is a genius plan. Whenever your neighbors are being loud, choose your favorite action movie — I suggest the movie “Heat” — skip to the loudest scene, and pump up the volume on your TV. If your neighbors are as dumb as you think they are, they’ll be scared into being quiet. Or they’ll call the police — but cross that bridge when you come to it.

But seriously … ask nicely

The majority of neighbors who are being loud or disturbing will understand your problem if you are willing to come to them first and talk in a civilized manner about their obsession with loud beats. They’ll likely appreciate that you didn’t call the police when you could have, and hopefully they will respect your request for them to quiet down. At the very least, you should be able to compromise by setting aside certain nights or hours that they can pump up the music and certain nights that they can’t. Who knows, you could end up being great friends! Assuming your neighbor is a respectful human being with a basic code of morals, he or she will understand that blasting dubstep at 2 a.m. on a school night is not the best idea, and you’ll be able to work it out. And if not — well, you can always resort back to one of the first three plans of attack.

Email Elizabeth at [email protected].