Climate change, the safety of vaccines, the roundness of the world — all of these issues have been contentious at one time or another and supported by various studies and facts reported in the mainstream media. However, when you think about it, how do you know that the mainstream media isn’t simply lying to you? Why should you listen to the mainstream media when your gut or common sense tells you otherwise? You shouldn’t. Instead, free yourself of the ways that the sheeple are controlled.

For one, you should stop listening, reading or watching news produced by any sort of media to which a sizable portion of the population pays attention. This includes CNN, MSNBC, Fox News and BuzzFeed. The only news source that you can trust is your own eyes. 

If you must consume mainstream media, then filter out anything that contradicts your beliefs. For example, if CNN reports that California’s drought might be a result of climate change, refuse to believe that a historic drought could occur because of man-made emissions. Or, even better, refuse to believe that California’s water supply is awfully scarce, and drink Gatorade.

You should also hone your googling skills to find the minority of scientific studies that support your point of view. While this might not work for more heavily covered up truths like the existence of the New World Order, it will work well for less heavily guarded secrets. Take the safety of vaccines, for example. The American Academy of Pediatrics might have a list of more than 40 studies that indicate vaccines are safe. But since one — now discredited — study linked vaccines to autism, you can use it to refute the poor deluded masses. 

If you’re tired of perusing scientific studies, Googling will also help you acquire the expert knowledge to discredit the numerous studies put out by “outside interests” that the majority of people believe.

Another useful technique is to regularly remind yourself that you are smarter than the average American, just like the 55 percent of Americans who believe that they are smarter than the average American. This will allow you to evince a smug sense of superiority, giving you the self-confidence to dismiss any opposing arguments as idiotic. As a side-benefit, such superiority will also give you sky-high self-esteem because you will never be wrong.

It is also important to remember all of the times an authority figure has lied to you. It doesn’t matter if it was one time out of hundreds of true statements or if it was an entirely unrelated authority. The important thing is that figure lied, so you can’t believe anything that he or she says. Because President Obama falsely promised that “you can keep your doctor,” don’t believe anything else he ever says. 

Your parents claim that the debunked Santa Claus myth was real when you were five, so don’t count on them to keep their promise to send you care packages. Anytime anyone tries to convince you by referencing an authority, just silence them with an example of when an authority figure was wrong.

Perhaps most importantly, to avoid being taken in, you need to commit to never changing your mind. If you are open to changing your mind in response to new evidence, then you’ll be vulnerable to the powers that be, who are obviously powerful enough to generate evidence. Even worse, if you change your mind, all of your former compatriots will question your integrity, like the March 4 article in Mother Jones that questions what made Bill Nye change his mind about genetically modified foods. On the off chance that your most dearly held beliefs are actually incorrect, it is a lot better to simply deny it.

So, the next time you start to doubt whether climate change is real in the face of a mountain of evidence, or that you start thinking that everyone is right and we did actually land on the moon, stay strong. Remember, there are powers and interests that spend huge amounts of time and money to convince you of their agenda. Never fall for the lie that most of the time the truth comes out, and, most of all, don’t become one of the sheeple.      

Eli Talbert writes a biweekly satirical column for The Pitt News.

Write to Eli at [email protected].