This letter was retrieved from the dumpster outside the lavish office of Behemoth Health, a… This letter was retrieved from the dumpster outside the lavish office of Behemoth Health, a K Street lobbying firm that brings the interests of various for-profit health insurance companies to the U.S. Congress.

Dearest Mother and Father,

Just checking: Do you have any experience keeping a chief justice in your basement?

I’m itching for advice, not only because John Roberts is becoming a handful — instead of eating, he’s built a macaroni representation of the Commerce Clause — but also because people are starting to ask questions. For some reason they can’t sit comfortably with the notion that the same guy who George Bush appointed and who ruled in favor of corporations being people suddenly became the guy who made possible the greatest liberal achievement since 1965. A right-wing loyalist on the supreme bench couldn’t just out-of-the-blue change his mind to support a Democratic president’s signature achievement, unless his decision involved some funny business (they’re not just crying conspiracy; one commenter even blamed Roberts’ epilepsy meds for altering his cognition).

Well I’m afraid it’s only a matter of time before the curious cats in the media latch on to the real explanation: That we, the health insurance companies, kidnapped Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts and impersonated him in late deliberations to ensure a positive ruling on the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. And now that we’ve got our ruling, our impersonator’s off the Italian coast and Roberts is going on pasta strikes, we need to figure out what’s next.

And when I say “what’s next,” I’m speaking in terms of managing the kidnap situation, not regarding the trillions of dollars that, thanks to SCOTUS, are now barreling toward our industry. Oh yeah, you’ve realized that, right? Whatever you’ve heard on network TV about who wins or loses from Obamacare is probably wrong. Americans have been told that the law would either mean socialist takeover of the health care system (the liberals win, the Constitution loses) or deliver a progressive panacea to our unsustainable health-related spending (the people win, the price-gouging insurance executives lose). Alas, the public’s ignorance is our bliss.

Instead of doing Stalin’s bidding or actually fixing the problem, Obamacare represents not only a continuation of flawed status quo (us) — it’s in fact a brilliant ploy to make the status quo rich. What else would you expect of a law that was primarily written by a former insurance company vice president? Now that the biggest parts of the law were declared constitutional (we pay our judicial impersonators well), our sponsoring health insurance firms are busy sewing stretchier pockets into their pants and designing custom mansions for their cleaning crews.

It’s all about profit. Think about it. The individual mandate plus huge subsidies will bring millions of new customers (many financed by public money) into insurance pools, which will balloon revenue from premiums relative to structural costs. More people might be insured, sure, but the underlying health insurance system, with all of its flaws, will just simply increase in size. Thankfully, Obamacare doesn’t radically change our business models; it forces citizens’ dollars into our salivating mouths.

But wait — we insurance companies can no longer raise premiums based on pre-existing conditions, you say? And wouldn’t this make health care more affordable for individuals? Psha — we can still price-discriminate based on geography (high-cost areas won’t be bailed out by low-cost areas), we’ll still employ armies of staff to fight with doctors and drive up their fees and, given the extra bureaucracy layers needed to manage the incoming state-by-state insurance exchanges, there’s every indication that average premiums would rise, not fall, with Obamacare (maniacal laugh … maniacal laugh …).

If the day ever comes when the public finds out about our masterful ruse on the high court, that’s hopefully the day after I take my bonus and fly to a new, U.S. taxpayer-funded Mexican villa. But to be honest, it would be even worse if they learned the true failings of their free-market health insurance system and then did something crazy — like extending the lower-cost Medicare program to everyone.

In the meantime, perhaps you could help us out: How many times should you replay Disney’s CGI-stravaganza “John Carter” before a chief justice forgets who he is and can finally be reintroduced into the wild?

Sincerely,

Cornelius Schaff

Vice President of Covert Operations

Behemoth Health

Have even cleverer ideas than Obamacare to protect the vested interests of private health insurance companies? You, too, could take home a VP-level bonus! Write Cornelius’ associate, Matt, at [email protected].