Editor’s Note: This is a satirical column.

Who hasn’t seen “Mean Girls”? It’s the iconic coming of “b*tchiness” movie, providing inspiration for every sad, lonely person seeking a magical method for building self-esteem.  

That magical method exists outside of the movies, and it’s called tearing others down to make yourself feel better. It may not be kind, or pretty, but it does elevate you to the top of the social food chain in a carb-free fashion. After all, you asked to feel confident, not kind. 

Certainly, no movie serves as a better manual to life than “Mean Girls.” 

Over the film’s course, the audience watches breathlessly as Cady transforms from an awkward newbie to a “Plastic” socialite. Sure, her path is marked by tarnished friendships, disgusted lovers and loss of self, but scaling the social ladder doesn’t come cost-free. 

Yet, to call the high school drama an accurate representation of the college reality is a tame comparison. No self-respecting college “mean girl” would ever be so obvious and naive.

But for the daring college woman hoping to cross over into “mean girl” territory, here’s a guide for achieving success:

1) Sarcasm is a socially acceptable way of telling people how you really feel.

Sarcasm is based in reality, but masked in thin humor. When you do it well, it can be your greatest asset. Are you just insanely funny, or are you being serious? They’ll never know. The mind games that you can play are infinite. 

2) You catch more “friends” with honey and passive-aggression than honesty.

Truthfully, you don’t care about any of these people. Most of the time, they’re annoying aggravations strewn throughout your day. Who knew people could be so inconsiderate? Seriously, is it that difficult for your roommate to wash a plate? 

However, regardless of how angry you may feel, it is absolutely unacceptable to be honest and direct with others when something is bothering you. Instead, take the reasonable approach and post anonymous notes directed at those who’ve bothered you. After all, you depend on the perception of others for survival. That’s why passive aggression comes in handy. It allows you to maintain a “cool” persona in the midst of boiling internal rage.  

3) The ultimate mean girl keeps her “burn book” in her head.

There’s a reason for Regina George’s steep fall from the top — she was foolish enough to put her thoughts in print. Judgmental thoughts happen, as they should. Judging others for minuscule aspects of their identity allows you to feel like you’re better than them. That belief is important in order to maintain your “mean girl” facade. However, those thoughts are best stored in a mental “burn book.” If you can manage to pair that judgement with a smile, even better. They’ll never suspect a thing. 

4) You have two options: be expressionless, or have a signature “b*tchface.” 

Expressions depict innate thoughts and feelings. Obviously, you don’t want people to know what you’re really thinking, so a blank, expressionless appearance is the optimal approach. On the other hand, you might want people to be so intimidated by your expression that they automatically acknowledge your power and dominance. As Blair “Queen B” Waldorf from “Gossip Girl” said, “You can’t make people love you, but you can make them fear you.” If you decide to go with the signature “b*tchface” route, feel free to take some creative liberties. Makeup helps — arch those brows, wear all of that eyeliner and paint those pursed lips red. 

5) Fake your way to the top.

Fake everything. Fake hair, fake nails, fake smile — the list goes on and on. Like I said before, successfully achieving “mean girl” status is dependent on the perceptions of others. We know you didn’t wake up looking like that, yet as long as you always look polished and put together, nobody will be any the wiser. As the late, great Elizabeth Taylor said, “Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick and pull yourself together.” You woke up like dis, or at least, that’s what all your minions will believe. 

Bethel Habte primarily writes about social issues and current events for The Pitt News.

Write to Bethel at [email protected].