[Editor’s note: The Moustache Column of America, which is nearing the end of its three-year run in The Pitt News, has been preempted this week so that we might present this (completely fictional but totally realistic) final exam essay written by a freshman in the U.S. History survey who, owing to how busy he was, never attended a single class.] [Editor’s note:  The Moustache Column of America, which is nearing the end of its three-year run in The Pitt News, has been preempted this week so that we might present this (completely fictional but totally realistic) final exam essay written by a freshman in the U.S. History survey who, owing to how busy he was, never attended a single class.]

1.  Analyze the extent to which TWO of the following transformed American society in the latter half of the 20th century: the civil rights movement, the antiwar movement, the women’s movement.

OK, time to get down to some real sh*t here. I’ve been Googling history stuff all night, so you can rest assured that I’ve got it down cold. Plus, did I mention I took AP U.S. History? Yeah, I was in there. Abraham Lincoln, Emancipation Proclamation, Constitution … you name it, I’ve probably heard of it. Got a 2 on that test and a 2 on some other test, so that’s 4, which looked pretty good on my transcript (I also got into Villanova and La Salle, FYI). So I hope you understand that with my AP background and all the colds and flus and other injuries I have incurred, I just didn’t feel the need to come to class as much as some other people who are healthier and weren’t in as many APs as me. You will soon see this is “no problemo” grade-wise, and it will all work out for the best.

Anyway, for the starter (thesis), one of the big movements in the United States of American history was the movement for the rights of civilians as well as soldiers (this is the thesis). As you and I both know (you, being the teacher, should know it as well as I do), there are many of these in the United States of America. Some of the rights, such as the right to bear arms, come directly from God. Others, such as freedom of speech, are good common sense. Can you imagine what life would be like if we were never able to say what we wanted to say? How could I even write this exam? It boggles the mind. Look it up if you don’t believe me.

In other words, there are so many rights, and they are constantly on the move. Where are they going? I don’t have a clue. I might be a little superstitious, but I can’t tell the future. However, I do believe that one of the big rights that’s coming down the pipeline, if you’ll excuse my little pun, is the right to be 420-friendly. This is supported by, among other big names, Ron Paul, the candidate for president. It is also supported by me and my bros, since it is a nice alternative to drinking Old Milwaukee and doesn’t give you such awful headaches and explosive diarrhea (just the munchies LOL!). Another right that is in the works is the right for gay marriage, which is OK just as long as the government doesn’t try to force that on me (no homo srsly!). I was told after a recent arrest that I had the right to silence, which is another right that is often so easy to take for granted.

Now, along with those rights comes the antiwar movement. I think this is either a misprint (typo) or maybe you mean we’re moving away from how great we were when we “ran a train” on all those other punk nations (China, Europe) when they tried to take down the rights the way the Undertaker is going to try to take down Triple H at the upcoming WrestleMania (undefeated streak FTW!). Back before the “movement” to antiwar, the United States of America was constantly warring. These wars, as seen in “War Horse” and “Band of Brothers,” were undoubtedly some of the most important historical events imaginable. In fact, when I think about history at all, I think about the big wars and how much of the history of the United States of America is tied up in them. After all, without the “Revolutionary War” (1865) we wouldn’t be here, am I right? Or maybe we would be speaking another language that is less familiar to me, which would definitely make it more difficult to exercise the right to freedom of speech.

Finally, there is the women’s movement. This is the last of the movements but definitely not the least. Let me take a big change of pace and tell you a little story. My mom, who is a doctor, is obviously proof of the women’s movement. Fifty years ago she would still be unable to go to college because of the glass ceiling. It wasn’t until the women’s movement that Rose Park broke through that glass ceiling and opened the doors of colleges like this one to women as well as men, thereby allowing my mom to graduate high school and then go on to pursue her higher education.

However, not all movements are necessarily 100 percent good, since one thing the glass ceiling did was keep the women at home. Because she was a doctor, my mom was always working late and I never got a good, home-cooked meal. Instead, she would leave $10 on the counter so that I could order two pizzas from Little Caesars. Along with the knee injuries I incurred while I was becoming All-City in the sports I was recruited to play here at school, the lack of home-cooked meals is why I have the weight problem that you see before you today.

In conclusion, my analysis of the movements in the history of the United States of America shows that some were good, some were not so good, and others have directly impacted our lives. Concludingly, even though there has already been a lot of movement, I expect that there will be more in the future. For example, and by way of conclusion, the stocks may continue to fall, although I am not sure why they fell the first time (maybe the bookcase was not steady?). As a conclusion, one thing we learn from history is that it’s different from today as well as from the future, but how exactly that is I can’t say just yet.

Write Oliver at [email protected].