[Editor’s note: Not content with espousing merely one opinion, Nick Stamatakis has taken two… [Editor’s note: Not content with espousing merely one opinion, Nick Stamatakis has taken two opposing stances on the same issue.]

Kittens Menace Meyran Avenue

Meyran Avenue might seem like your typical South Oakland street. But beneath the discarded beer bottles and old pizza boxes lies a menacing symbol of our cultural devolution: the Meyran kittens.

Contrary to what YouTube videos might suggest, kittens are not the nicest creatures in the world. Rabid kittens, in fact, are easily capable of turning civil society into a degraded pit of disease and debauchery.

Although there’s no evidence that the Meyran kittens are in fact rabid, their behavior is nonetheless troubling. We cannot risk our health and livelihood by remaining in proximity to these animals — we must follow the advice of former Vice President Dick Cheney: “If there’s a 1 percent chance that [kittens] are helping [disease] develop [in our neighborhoods], we have to treat it as a certainty in terms of our response. It’s not about our analysis … It’s about our response.”

With this in mind, there appears to be only one viable solution: Close the border! Gather all the kittens and send them back to where they came from.

The latest pair of kittens — a “fluffy black kitten and gray adult counterpart” in the words of terrified Pitt junior Sarah Adams — arrived sometime last year. “They are friendly as you walk by and like to hang out on the lawn and people-watch,” Adams said.

But their friendliness is an illusion — they remain kind only as long as people provide them with food. Nearby resident Holly Showalter, also a junior at Pitt, notes that somebody must “leave good food out for them” if they’re to stay happy.

Yes, my fellow Americans, while our children starve, the Meyran kittens receive only the finest food to keep them from revolting. While I would ordinarily never make this comparison, the situation seems reminiscent of Germany in the 1930s.

What’s even more abominable is that these kittens have taken the place of older, nicer kittens. As Adams notes, “Last year, further down toward Bates, there used to be three black kittens that would hang out on a Meyran porch.”

But just like the dreams, safety and comfort of Meyran Avenue residents, the old kittens have disappeared. Indeed, the new kittens have taken the old kittens’ jobs, lowering every kitten’s quality of life.

Don’t accuse me of being anti-cat. That’s extremely offensive. I have many close kitten friends, but they all got to where they are today through hard work. These kittens are just different. They must be stopped.

Hopefully, the Pitt community will do something to clean up our streets. If not for me, then for the children.

Meyran Kittens: A Heartbreaking Story

Meyran Avenue might seem like your typical South Oakland street. But beneath the discarded beer bottles and old pizza boxes lies a sad symbol of our community’s lingering hatred: the Meyran kittens.

Despite what YouTube videos might suggest, kittens are very nice creatures. New kittens are even better — easily capable of facilitating our beloved country’s progress.

Although there’s no evidence that new kittens will improve our livelihoods, those who disagree are anti-cat. Any dissent betrays a level of intolerance — as Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar notes, “Those involved in the debate have their position based on fear and [kitten] racism.”

With this in mind, there appears to be only one viable solution: Spread awareness of anti-cat discrimination and ensure that everybody is open to as many kittens as possible.

The newest pair of kittens — a “fluffy black kitten and gray adult counterpart,” in the words of ecstatic Meyran resident Sarah Adams — arrived last year. “They are friendly as you walk by and like to hang out on the lawn and people-watch,” Adams said.

But their friendliness conceals the pain of alienation. Nearby resident Holly Showalter complained that somebody must “leave good food out for them” — otherwise, they’ll go hungry and starve.

As a persecuted group from another territory, these kittens must resort to handouts to gain enough nutrition to survive — there’s no other alternative for these huddled masses in our supposed country of freedom. While I would ordinarily never make this comparison, the situation seems reminiscent of Germany in the 1930s.

It’s not as if these kittens are doing anything wrong. As Adams notes, “Last year, further down towards Bates, there used to be three black kittens that would hang out on a Meyran porch.”

The new kittens simply took the position of the old kittens that were ready to move on to bigger and better things. Meyran Avenue has seen, and will always see, new waves of kittens, each contributing to our diverse culture.

Don’t accuse me of being alarmist — that’s extremely offensive. I just know this campus has a history of being mean to new kittens. That’s just the truth. I know my history — I can recognize that this always boils down to pure hatred and nothing else.

Hopefully, the Pitt community does something to purge our minds of bigotry. If not for me, then for the children.

Contact Nick at [email protected].