Cigarettes 1, Dragon 0

A pair of Slovakian preteens lent further credibility… Cigarettes 1, Dragon 0

A pair of Slovakian preteens lent further credibility to the adage “smoking kills” last Sunday when they accidentally burned down a castle while trying to light their cigarettes. Although the likelihood that this incident could be replicated seems minimal, we wonder how many Dark Ages-era marauders wasted their time constructing elaborate siege weaponry when all they needed were a couple of matches and a few bumbling adolescents.

Big Shavings

Maryland Rep. Roscoe Bartlett faced the wrath of innumerable ’80s action stars two weeks ago when he denied ever supporting the Stimulus To Allow Critical Hair Expenses — or STACHE — Act, which calls for a maximum $250 tax deduction per year for facial hair grooming. Naturally, we at The Pitt News are incensed — what’s facial hair for, if not collecting government benefits? — but despite numerous calls, Dave Wannstedt’s mustache couldn’t be reached for comment.

Flushing Away Taxpayer Money

Trenton, N.J., residents can rest easy — on their toilet seats, that is. After a contract disagreement led to a shortage of toilet paper in the city’s public buildings, Mayor Tony Mack’s administration authorized a $16,000 emergency purchase of the essential bathroom product. Heartening as it is to discover that officials can still accomplish something, we hope readers won’t become too optimistic about local politics: It’ll take more than tens of thousands of dollars to clean up Pittsburgh’s government.

Crocodile Handbag

Although zoologists agree that animals require specialized ecosystems to survive, an alleged Bulgarian trafficker managed to pack 49 turtles, 15 chameleons, six komodo dragons, four Caiman crocodiles and numerous other reptiles into a series of suitcases on a bus. Hollywood producers briefly considered basing a “Snakes on a Plane” sequel on the incident, but they ultimately decided the film’s title would be too long.

A Mind-Blowing Sale

To the consternation of Confederate sympathizers everywhere, Gettysburg National Military Park decided to stop selling John Wilkes Booth bobbleheads in its visitor’s center last Saturday, according to the Associated Press. For those of you who absolutely must amass a collection of assassin-related toys, we’re confident that some store in the country stocks bobblehead versions of Gavrilo Princip, Brutus and Judas.