Chairman Meow

Prankster, animal-lover and political junkie Anthony Roberts… Chairman Meow

Prankster, animal-lover and political junkie Anthony Roberts finally let the cat out of the bag last month: His pet feline, Hank, is running for office. The cat, an apparent centrist, will vie for the Senate seat that Jim Webb will vacate when he retires. Although Hank’s chances at securing the canine vote are slim, we think he’d make an ideal Republican presidential candidate were it not for his one disqualifying feature: politically moderate stances.

In Hot Water

University of Michigan students enjoyed an exhilarating, albeit fleeting, respite from chilly February weather last Saturday when a hot tub appeared atop a campus building only to disappear two days later. Although its existence remains shrouded in mystery, we at least hope film fans will think twice before dismissing “Hot Tub Time Machine” as a joke.

Expensive S**t

South Carolina residents probably felt more bemused than excited when the Riverbanks Zoo and Garden began advertising elephant, giraffe and zebra poop for sale as if they were prized commodities. Nevertheless, the Zoo’s officials are confident that the droppings — which apparently make for effective fertilizer — will sell out quickly. And if it seems unlikely that a load of crap will attract many buyers, consider how much money Rick Santorum’s campaign has already raised.

You Don’t Cross the Chuck Norris Bridge; It Crosses You

Action hero and karate master Chuck Norris has repeatedly saved the world from terrorists, ninjas and drug kingpins, but thus far, only a small contingent of Americans have formally acknowledged his achievements. That may soon change — according to Agence France-Presse, a majority of Slovaks want to name a bridge connecting their country to Austria after the roundhouse-kicking rabble-rouser. Although we loved “The Octagon” as much as the next person, we urge them to reconsider — no public infrastructure, however well-constructed, can bear the weight of Mr. Norris’ legacy.

Pleading the Fridge

In a sting operation destined to go down in internal affairs history, a Houston-area police station installed a security camera in its break room after a malicious criminal repeatedly stole food and drinks from the communal refrigerator. The apprehended officer — who claimed he was merely keeping the fridge clean — was charged with misdemeanor theft and suspended for 30 days without pay. Although we support this punishment, we doubt his colleagues would’ve minded had he left the doughnuts untouched.