Psychological studies are often misrepresented in the media and lead readers to make… Psychological studies are often misrepresented in the media and lead readers to make generalizations. And sometimes, the studies themselves draw dubious conclusions.

Take, for instance, the various theories presented below on what women find attractive. An uneducated reader might peruse these and assume, condescendingly, that all kittens will be more conducive to his catnip if he just acts in these ways. Take a closer look at this information, however, and you might find yourself wishing that the cat had been declawed before you made your move.

Brood

A 2011 University of British Columbia study found that women tend to be more sexually attracted to males who are brooding or powerful-looking. The researchers are quick to point out, however, that the experiment tested only gut-level, rather than long-term, attraction. What’s not reported is how quick this attraction lingers. It’s hard to imagine a woman that’s interested in a man with the emotional capacity of Eeyore for anything longer than a half of a second. Sulking and shooting angry glances to everyone in the room is sure to put people on edge, not turn them on.

Look Attractive

This may be shocking information to some people, but women actually like guys that are good-looking. A 2005 study conducted by University of Pennsylvania evolutionary psychologists discovered that both women and men found physical attractiveness more appealing than high social status when participating in a speed dating session. Women will stay in long-term relationships with men who are economically and socially well-off, they found, but will be initially more attracted to physical qualities. However, “physically attractive” isn’t operationally defined, so all this study really finds is that women aren’t shallow gold-diggers. Some women think guitars and a sexy voice make a guy irresistible, while others might just think that same guy is a whiny, pretentious hipster. Likewise, some women are attracted to Lacoste polos and Sperry’s, while others may find these same guys to be repulsive and frat-tastic. In other words, women’s tastes are too complex to be reduced to one simple category.

Bulk Up

Better hit the gym, bro. In 2007, researchers at UCLA showed silhouettes of men to college females and found that toned silhouettes who were more likely to commit to a relationship were more attractive than either complete meatheads or scrawny dudes. Moreover, athletic and muscular college guys were more likely to report having sex with at least three partners than less buff students. This means you should bench press your cases of Natty before you open them or try and look for any excuse possible to take your shirt off at a party so that girls can see how hot you are. Just make sure you exercise another muscle before talking to a girl: Your brain. If all girls were only attracted to muscular men, then the Pete would be much more crowded and only the Mark Wahlbergs and Ryan Goslings of the world would have girlfriends.

Ignore Her

This one is classic bad boy: Give her mixed messages to make her so uncertain that she can’t think about anything else. A 2011 University of Virginia study revealed that women who were uncertain of guys’ feelings about them were more likely to rate those guys as attractive. Any genius knows this is foolproof: Nothing screams “100 percent success rate” like starting a conversation with a girl and then walking away mid-sentence, inviting her to dinner and never showing up or yelling her name in a room full of people and then looking away. If you think neglecting a girl is an appropriate way to hook up with her, you have supreme problems and should probably get the head wound you recently suffered checked out.

Rather than attempting all these little manipulative techniques, guys should try to charm a girl the old-fashioned way: showing her respect and being there when she needs someone. If you know people that use the previously mentioned tricks to pick up girls, they probably deserve whatever drink is thrown in their face or heel is thrust toward their groin. Don’t feel sorry for them — just pray that they don’t reproduce so their sexist and intellectually inferior genes don’t re-enter the gene pool.

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