Cartoon Contraband

Bart Simpson, be advised: Asking people to eat your… Cartoon Contraband

Bart Simpson, be advised: Asking people to eat your shorts might trigger an international backlash. According to Reuters, an Iranian official recently outlawed Simpsons dolls on the grounds that they corrode morality and contribute to “Western intoxication.” Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time the Middle East has slighted America’s favorite family — just recently, Homer’s power plant job was outsourced to a rural area outside Tehran.

Cold War

Finally, a crisis worthy of the Department of Homeland Security. According to the Associated Press, a North Pole, Alaska, resident allegedly threatened to teach crackheads how to make electromagnetic distortion devices if the state didn’t pay him $85,000. Although entrusting drug addicts with advanced technology seems counterintuitive at best, we’re still worried that the scheme could wreak havoc on Santa’s new high-tech sleigh.

Taking the High Road

Contrary to what you may have read in Jane Austen novels, British people care next to nothing about material wealth. Or at least, that’s the most logical conclusion we can draw from a recent England-based experiment, in which an average of only seven people per bus station accepted offers to pay their fares. Unsurprisingly, the volunteers attracted exponentially more interest when they promised to pay off European debts.

No Deer Crossing

A word of warning to local travelers: Never visit West Virginia without a clear exit strategy. Ignoring its owners’ protests, officials have denied a runaway pet elk re-entry into Pennsylvania for fear that it harbors a chronic disease, according to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. Although we sympathize with the animal — who wouldn’t want to escape the Mountain State? — we’ll refrain from denouncing the decision until we hear Lou Dobbs’ take on elk immigration.

Not-So-Smart Phone

State parliament meetings can sometimes grow unbearably dull, so we’re not surprised that Indian minister Laxman Savadi thought his colleague C.C. Patil would rather watch porn on the cell phone he shared with him. Although some believe their subsequent resignation was appropriate, we hardly think they violated American decency standards. Whatever they were watching, it couldn’t be more obscene than Anthony Weiner’s Twitter account.