Fear Leads to Anger…

Here’s a story even George Lucas couldn’t ruin:… Fear Leads to Anger…

Here’s a story even George Lucas couldn’t ruin: After attacking Toys “R” Us customers with dueling plastic lightsabers, an aspiring Portland-area Jedi deflected Taser wires before finally submitting to police, according to The Oregonian. Although he pleaded no contest to assault and resisting arrest, he avoided theft charges by waving his hand in front of authorities and repeating, “These aren’t the toys you’re looking for.”

Friendly Fire

The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs silenced skeptics last month when it proved government agencies could still cut costs, albeit at the expense of common sense. After receiving his fourth straight request for benefit repayments on the grounds that he was dead, Army veteran Jerry Miller insisted to Florida TV channel WESH that he was in fact “very alive.” While we admire the administration’s constancy, we’re dismayed to discover the government is now ensuring death as well as taxes.

Cat Scratch Fever

Super villains, be advised: It’ll take more than deadly wildlife to deter committed intruders. According to the Colorado Springs Gazette, the Serenity Springs Wildlife Center, a sanctuary for 120 lions, tigers and other large cats, recently drew two sets of trespassers — the latter of whom tried to pet a cougar through its cage. Whether or not they were genuine animal lovers, we’re surprised: Usually, it’s the cougars that harass strangers.

The Trump Bump

One-percenters, rejoice: Your two favorite figureheads have now joined forces. In a press conference this Wednesday, real estate mogul Donald Trump endorsed the only candidate whose wealth matches his ambitions: Mitt Romney. Although some populists might consider the “Apprentice”-worthy meeting of millionaires bad publicity, we predict that it’ll ultimately benefit the Romney campaign — now, Obama’s most formidable rival enjoys the unanimous support of the comb-over crowd.

A Hair-Raising Crime

In a scandal worthy of the fashion police, a Long Island CVS camera captured two suspected robbers — one of whom was bald — nabbing the pharmacy’s supply of Rogaine, the hair growth stimulant. Although we ordinarily refrain from advising law-breakers, we suggest that future criminals rob a toupee shop before attempting a similar appearance-conscious heist.