Dressing for Success

Apparently, Zimbabwe’s strategy for curtailing its 90… Dressing for Success

Apparently, Zimbabwe’s strategy for curtailing its 90 percent unemployment rate centers more on hygiene than economic reform. Tendai Biti, the country’s finance minister, announced recently that selling secondhand underwear is, in addition to just plain disgusting, illegal, according to The Guardian. Although Pitt remains in better fiscal shape than the ailing African nation, we hope University police institute a similar ban: Laundry-spurning Tower B freshmen have escaped persecution long enough.

The Forgotten Cosby Child

Wisconsin authorities performed a routine drug arrest last week — routine, that is, except for the suspect’s attention grabbing name: Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop. While Mr. Zopittybop-Bop-Bop may welcome the attention he’s received — Facebook fan pages are appearing left and right — we urge all aspiring marijuana dealers to choose names that don’t bespeak a certain fondness for their own product.

The Hammer of Justice

Judge Judy is a woman of fierce temperament, so perhaps it’s appropriate that a certain Florida woman reacted to her show with unbridled violence. After glimpsing the program on her television, 62-year-old Janet Knowles allegedly attacked a nearby man with a hammer, leaving a large gash, according to the Palm Beach Post. Although Knowles is hardly exempt from standard court proceedings, we propose an alternate means of persecution: trying her before the venerable Judge herself.

Caucus Block

Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann are undeniably more personable than GOP frontrunner Mitt Romney, but their visits didn’t stop a certain New Hampshire man from posting an irate warning on his restaurant’s front door: “No Politicians, No Exceptions.” Although the 2012 presidential election is only now in full swing, we already wish CNN and Fox News would adhere to the same policy.

Exhausting the Possibilities

Northern Ohio residents beware: Some mechanics might demand more than a hefty bill for their services. Last Friday, an Avon Lake man forced a teenage girl to surrender her pantyhose, claiming he needed it to fix his car’s exhaust system, according to local news channel NewsNet5. Although we can only speculate what repairs he hoped the clothing would facilitate, we’re heartened to discover he shares Zimbabwe’s enthusiasm for quality undergarments.