More Nuts than Expected

Not even the MPAA could have protected audiences… More Nuts than Expected

Not even the MPAA could have protected audiences from the psychological damage inflicted when an Illinois man walked completely nude in front of a theater, according to NBC Chicago. The movie? “Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked.” Although we extend our condolences to the children still recovering from the unseemly display, we hope 20th Century Fox will at least consider including the incident in its “uncut” edition of the film.

Sili-Coke

A note to prospective drug dealers: Never hire a model to do a henchman’s work. According to the San Francisco Chronicle, police in the Fiumicino Airport in Italy discovered five pounds of cocaine crystals molded into a woman’s fake breast and buttock implants. Surprisingly, the police chief admitted they singled the woman out simply because she was “alluring.” Although we’re glad authorities apprehended the suspect, we’re concerned about the precedent this sets. Does airport security really need another excuse to grope us?

Big N’ Tasty

A central Illinois couple strained McDonald’s tolerance for informality last week when they pulled into a drive-thru wearing absolutely nothing, according to the Associated Press. Although we hope the libertine customers didn’t traumatize the cashier for life, we’re impressed with their efficiency: On most dates, dinner precedes the removal of clothing.

A Perfect Alibi

The Hayloft Bar in Port Richey, Fla., earned some free publicity two weeks ago when a Tampa Bay area man entered its premises, ordered a beer, left to rob a nearby bank, then returned to finish the beer. Although we can’t know for sure why this man chose to bookend a felony with leisurely drinking sessions, we’d like to think he was merely collecting a larger tip for the bartender.

Caviar to Die For

Whoever still believes Russians are classless should visit a certain St. Petersburg morgue where police discovered 385 pounds of caviar stored alongside refrigerated cadavers, according to the Associated Press. Although an employee told authorities the delicacy was intended for a New Year’s party, we at The Pitt News hope that when we die, our acquaintances will lavish us with similarly high-class grave goods.