Blue Streaking

An Illinois man ended a promising “Risky Business”-esque… Blue Streaking

An Illinois man ended a promising “Risky Business”-esque rampage last Saturday when he struck a squad car dressed in nothing but underwear and socks, according to the Chicago Tribune. Thankfully, he followed his mother’s advice and wore his freshest underpants, ensuring the only discernible skid marks were on the road.

Boss is a Real Dick

A northeastern Pennsylvania woman erected a high-profile scandal two years ago when she wore a prosthetic penis to her job — a transgression that allegedly prompted her dismissal, according to the Philadelphia Daily News. Although her recent decision to sue her former employers might seem rash, we urge critics to see her offense in perspective: In Washington, real penises interfere with work on a daily basis.

Taking the High Road

An alleged Dutch criminal probably realized he’d underestimated his adversaries when the Royal Netherlands Air Force dispatched two F-16 jets to pursue him, according to The Associated Press. Although we’re impressed with the country’s spare-no-expense strategy for nabbing wrongdoers, we suspect this was the first time its fighter pilots discovered their planes actually worked.

MRSA-nary

Inspired, perhaps, by the recent film “Contagion,” a western Pennsylvania man threatened to infect a cashier with staph if he didn’t surrender large quantities of money, according to The Associated Press. Meanwhile, less than 100 miles away, Pitt underclassmen continued to cite fake illnesses as excuses for avoiding any teacher-student interaction.

Death Takes a Holiday

A former New York City school employee betrayed her sophomoric side when she presented her daughter’s forged death certificate as a pretext for extending her vacation, according to The Associated Press. Although administrators subsequently fired her, we hardly think she’s received sufficient punishment: Inventing family tragedies is the oldest trick in the grade-school book. She, of all people, should know better.