Loss of Heart

Aspiring surgeons, rest assured: Poor coordination never… Loss of Heart

Aspiring surgeons, rest assured: Poor coordination never actually hurt anyone. Take, for example, Mexico City doctor Jaime Saldivar, who successfully transplanted a heart that had spilled from its cooler onto a street, according to MSNBC. Although at press time, Saldivar had yet to confess the fumble to his patient, we urge readers not to worry: The five-second rule applies to internal organs as well as food.

Jim Henson’s “Law & Order”

Viewers of Cleveland-based channel WOIO might have mistaken the recent program “The Puppet’s Court” for a children’s show — that is, until they unmuted the television. After failing to secure camera access to a corruption trial, the station decided to re-enact courtroom testimony using the most time-tested of visual aids: puppets. Although we applaud the ingenuity of this idea, we hope the show’s stand-ins were sufficiently differentiated from copyrighted Muppet characters. Otherwise, they’re in for another trial altogether.

Dr. MacGyver

A Massachusetts man lent credence to every evil dentist legend in existence when he pleaded guilty to (among other charges) using paper clips in root canals, according to the Associated Press. While his cost-efficient surgical improvisations might disconcert some, many of his former patients report that their pipe cleaner braces have held up just fine.

“Ghost” meets “Road House”

According to a recent police report, a Wisconsin man offered a simple, albeit terrifying, explanation for the injuries his wife sustained: “A ghost did it.” Although most commentators find this statement unlikely at best, we at The Pitt News believe it’s perfectly plausible: Patrick Swayze, no doubt, decided to relive his days as an action star.

Fowl Play

Residents of Deadwood, South Dakota, discovered on Sunday that criminals come in all sizes and shapes — including turkey. According to local newspaper the Black Hills Pioneer, police have identified the culprit of a recent break-in as none other than a surly, not-so-aerodynamic bird. But before authorities release it from prison, we urge them to watch the cautionary 2009 film “Thankskilling” and consider the consequences.