A Moveable Feast

Even suspected criminals, it seems, aren’t immune to… A Moveable Feast

Even suspected criminals, it seems, aren’t immune to sentimentality. According to the Naples Daily News, police arrested a Florida shopper for stuffing four steaks and two candles down his trousers. Although it’s unclear whether the suspect planned to meet his girlfriend afterwards — once he cleaned the steaks, presumably — we think this is the perfect setup for a date: The night starts in the pants and ends in the pants.

Rated M for Mundane

Merciless Call of Duty players can rest easy: The International Committee of the Red Cross assured reporters that, contrary to recent rumors, they have no plans to apply the Geneva Conventions to video games. We couldn’t be more relieved. If those laws governed the virtual world, our Grand Theft Auto sessions would consist of strolling well-lit corners of the city, purchasing every car and reporting petty crimes to police.

Ashes to Cash

A New Hampshire woman lost both a family member and a gambling incentive when an urn containing her mother’s ashes, which she used in Bingo games as a good luck charm, was stolen. Although we wish her the best of luck in reclaiming the ashes, we’re confident her mother still watches over her — gambling addictions, after all, never die.

Balls to the Wall

“MythBusters” hosts Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman consistently risk their own lives when testing outlandish rumors, but this is probably the first time they’ve imperiled unwitting bystanders. This Tuesday, during one of the show’s invariably sensational experiments, an errant cannonball blasted through a cinder block wall, flew through an occupied bedroom, soared over six lanes of thoroughfare and finally collided with a parked minivan. Although it’s unclear what, exactly, Savage and Hyneman were trying to prove, the myth of their competence has most assuredly been busted.

False Advertising

Doubtlessly, Florida resident Shawn Porter expected nothing more than courteous, efficient service when he and a friend ordered a “blunt and some herbs” at a Burger King drive-thru. Instead of satisfying the request, however, the restaurant supervisor gave Porter’s license plate number to police (apparently, his car already smelled like marijuana), who intercepted him outside his house. Needless to say, we’re appalled: How many other Burger King branches deviate from the “Have it your way” slogan?