Blazing a New Path

Patriot extraordinaire Daniel Whitaker became the first… Blazing a New Path

Patriot extraordinaire Daniel Whitaker became the first person to make the Tea Party look tame when he allegedly drove his Jeep up Indianapolis’ war memorial dressed only in cargo shorts and an American flag, according to police. At the summit, after delivering a rant on how our country was safer 50 years ago, Whitaker poured gasoline onto the steps and lit a small fire. Although this stunt’s sheer American-ness is already staggering, we’d like to suggest some improvements for his inevitable do-over: Blast country western while driving, eat at least one hamburger and/or apple pie en route, and quote at least five Ronald Reagan speeches.

Crimes of Fashion

We hope a certain New York man at least earned points for honesty when he struck a police car while wearing an “I’m a drunk” T-shirt. Egregious as his offense might be, we applaud his choice of attire: If all criminals wore shirts announcing their crimes — “I sell crack cocaine,” “I evade taxes” — the world would be exponentially safer.

A Chilly Reception

There’s still no official count as to how many childhoods were ruined when police carted off a man dressed as Frosty the Snowman during a Maryland Christmas parade. The disgruntled holiday icon, according to The Star Democrat of Easton, landed himself in a small scuffle with police after making a joke about their dog. Although it’s unclear whether his hat was lost in the struggle, we maintain that melting is always a more dignified way out.

Family Feud

Connecticut officials risked catalyzing a power struggle when they accidentally listed James J. Butler, son of the actual finance board candidate, James R. Butler, on an election ballot. Butler senior, who said his son — technically the winner — was uninterested in public office, now awaits the town committee’s decision on how to proceed, according to NBC Connecticut. Fortunately, this sort of mix-up wouldn’t be a problem in Pittsburgh: Thus far, no local voter has ever checked a box that doesn’t accompany the name “Luke Ravenstahl.”

Soaring Health Care Costs

Doctors at a New Jersey hospital doubtlessly gained new respect for veterinarians when firefighters had to subdue a flying squirrel trapped in their emergency room. Although the incident ended without bloodshed, we think a follow-up investigation is needed: If the squirrel didn’t have health insurance, it shouldn’t have been admitted to the hospital in the first place.