One toke over the line

A Nebraska man experienced a different kind of bad… One toke over the line

A Nebraska man experienced a different kind of bad trip when he discovered his drug hookup, whom he’d arranged a meeting with via text messages, was actually a state trooper, according to Reuters. Although the arrest might sound too good to be true for police, we can imagine how such a mix-up would occur: When “cop” and “copping marijuana” follow one another in your cell phone contact list, disaster is all but inevitable.

Felon Fellatio

The stress of a drug arrest didn’t stop a Texas couple from engaging in a little last-minute intimacy — specifically, oral sex — in the backseat of a cop car, according to the Houston Chronicle. Although we at The Pitt News value public decency above all else, we urge police to consider dropping the charges — clearly, these two suspects have already done more than enough hard time.

The path of most resistance

We can only imagine an Atlanta-area woman’s disappointment when she discovered the man in her chimney wasn’t Santa Claus, but rather a burglar who’d botched his getaway, according to local news channel WGCL-TV. Admirably, when confronted by the woman’s neighbor, the Christmastime criminal immediately admitted, “I’m stupid.” Imagine how much more bearable GOP candidates would be — Rick Perry in particular — if they were as forthright about their shortcomings.

Keeping the parents in line

Whoever said kids are becoming too free-spirited should meet a certain Hastings, Minn., 11-year-old who sent photos of his mom and stepfather’s marijuana to police, according to local news channel KMSP-TV. The child, who’d become sick of smoke filling his house, is, in our opinion, proof that we shouldn’t fret about the next generation: With any luck, he won’t be afraid to pull the plug on social security either.

Learning enrichment

Students, take note: What happens at the podium, stays at the podium. According to the Chicago Tribune, an unusually stimulated instructor at an Illinois Christian school admitted to masturbating behind a lectern during his class (how he collected papers remains unclear). Although we admire his audacity, we doubt he’d attract any attention at Pitt: Even his level of discretion is unnecessary when no one attends recitations.