Hardened Criminal

If “Law & Order” moved to Cinemax, its protagonist… Hardened Criminal

If “Law & Order” moved to Cinemax, its protagonist might resemble Donald D. Thompson, a former Creek County, Okla., judge who was recently convicted of using a penis pump while presiding over trials. We’re not entirely sure why Thompson felt the need to enhance himself during work, but one thing’s certain: Everyone in that court room, including the judge, was going through some seriously hard times.

Straight to Jail

For better or for worse, 60-year-old Laura Chavez hasn’t allowed age to diminish her competitiveness. According to the Santa Fe New Mexican, police arrested Chavez on suspicion of repeatedly stabbing her boyfriend over a Monopoly game (apparently he’d been cheating). Although we wish her partner a speedy recovery, we’re happy to hear that, in addition to the Call of Duty-induced assault we referenced in a previous Casual Friday, people are still getting riled up over traditional, family-oriented games.

A New Addition to the “Volcano Menu”

Fast food chains, take note: Preparing orders can sometimes be a matter of life and death. After calling a Georgia Taco Bell to complain about an insufficient quantity of meat in his chalupa, an incensed customer allegedly threatened to “come and redecorate the place.” Later that morning, according to local news channel WALB, someone hurled a Molotov cocktail toward the restaurant’s drive-through window. Regardless of whether police catch the Tex-Mex terrorist, we think his crime should serve as a cautionary tale for local establishments — who knows how customers will react if their hard-won $5 pizzas don’t have enough cheese?

Burning Love

Elvis’ renown has hardly diminished in Great Britain — in fact, it’s multiplied. Last Saturday, according to U.K.-based newspaper The Mirror, roughly 60 Elvis look-alikes who’d been dancing at a Holiday Inn charity rushed outside after hearing a fire alarm. Although the evacuation proved unnecessary, it nonetheless provided spectators an opportunity to announce “Elvis has left the building” to their hearts’ delight.

High-Quality Drunk Goggles

As if we needed more proof that the outdoors are simply too dangerous for pets: According to Agence France-Presse, a 28-year-old Zimbabwean man was arrested for allegedly having sex with a donkey who, according to him, had originally been a human prostitute. (The man, who said he had no recollection of what happened after he’d left a bar on the night of the incident, claimed he was also a donkey). Although his story seems believable enough, we think legal action is nonetheless warranted: Prostitution, after all, is still outlawed in Zimbabwe.