Piss-poor Transportation

The Dutch might outdo Americans in numerous… Piss-poor Transportation

The Dutch might outdo Americans in numerous departments — health care, quality of life — but when it comes to sanitation, they’re still, it seems, woefully behind the times. The national railway’s short-haul trains, for example, still lack toilets; in their place, according to the Associated Press, administrators have introduced highly absorbant “pee-bags.” Although politicians are less than pleased with the solution, we think these devices are a perfect fit for Pitt’s lecture halls, where bathroom breaks can often prove disruptive.

The Reluctant Leader

A Saddam Hussein look-alike in Alexandria, Egypt, experienced more than second thoughts after he refused a $333,000 offer to the play the erstwhile dictator in a porn film. Apparently convinced he was the right man for the role, a gang of black-suited assailants apprehended him on the street and tried to force him into the back of a van, according to Egyptian publication Ahram Online. While the ordeal was doubtlessly traumatizing, we’re happy, at least, that the country’s revolution has instilled in people a passion for free-market enterprise.

Sperm Donor

No great culinary innovation, apparently, goes unpunished. Last Thursday, an Albuquerque man pleaded guilty to offering a bystander a semen-laced yogurt sample, according to the Associated Press. While we’re disappointed that the recipe was poorly received, we’re impressed that the taster was able to identify the unusual ingredient. Perhaps Cryos International, the sperm bank that recently banned redheads’ genes, could use this person’s services.

Bridging a Legal Gap

Residents of New Castle, Pa., were doubtlessly torn between feelings of dismay and awe when a nearby 50-foot bridge was “stolen” sometime between Sept. 27 and Oct. 5. The bridge, which was made of corrugated steel cumulatively valued at roughly $100,000, was disassembled using a blowtorch and likely sold for scrap metal, according to the Associated Press. On the bright side, the crime’s perpetrators are just the sort of pragmatic, hardworking Americans that President Barack Obama has been waiting on to revitalize our infrastructure.

Back to Stool

Students, teachers and janitors in Ocala, Fla., breathed a collective sigh of relief last weekend after police said they’d nabbed a serial pooper, who repeatedly squatted outside a middle school classroom for a quick number two, according to The Gainesville Sun. His reasons for committing such dastardly defecations remain unclear, but if we had to guess, we’d say he just disembarked from a Dutch train.