A Sizeable Advantage

Wesley Warren Jr., a 47-year-old Las Vegas man, has a… A Sizeable Advantage

Wesley Warren Jr., a 47-year-old Las Vegas man, has a health problem that puts typical midlife aches and pains to shame — namely, a 100-pound scrotum. His condition, known as scrotal elephantiasis, prevents Warren from maintaining romantic relationships or taking extended trips outside the house, according to the Las Vegas Review-Journal. Although we empathize with him, we think his ailment could nonetheless benefit certain athletes: If Pitt’s football team had balls like that, it wouldn’t always blow its halftime leads.

Sesame Street: Unrated

Children hoping to learn their ABCs on Sesame Street’s YouTube channel were exposed to a whole different sort of education this Sunday when hackers inundated the site with pornography, according to CNN. Although we can only speculate what this new, raunchier take on the series would entail, one thing’s for sure: Oscar the Grouch would no longer be the dirtiest resident on the block.

Your Unfriendly Neighborhood Spider-Man

A robber undergoing an apparent identity crisis stormed into a North Carolina convenience store Wednesday wearing a Spider-Man mask and wielding a sword, the Associated Press reports. Although we take issue with his misuse of props — most superheroes fight only with their fists — we’re still confident the scene was more enjoyable to behold than the entirety of “Spider-Man 3.”

Egging on the Competition

Takeru Kobayashi, the Japanese competitive eater renowned for his ability to ingest inhuman quantities of hot dogs, stunned and repulsed the culinary world once again when, during a Sport Illustrated challenge earlier this month, he gobbled up 32 eggs in 60 seconds. While this is far more than we’ve eaten in one sitting, we at The Pitt News remain unimpressed: Thus far, Kobayashi hasn’t attempted to consume a single $5 pizza.

Pissing the Time Away

Students at Evergreen Park High School in Illinois will doubtlessly remain awake throughout the day now that the principal has established a three-times-per-semester limit on class-time trips to the bathroom, according to the Associated Press. Though we admire the stringency of this policy, we’re dismayed administrators didn’t read The Pitt News before instating it — the Dutch “pee-bags” mentioned in last week’s Casual Friday would work wonders for antsy students.