Freeing Willy

“Whale Wars,” it appears, has recruited paleontologists…. Freeing Willy

“Whale Wars,” it appears, has recruited paleontologists. This Wednesday, the Associated Press reported that a man dressed in a black leather hat managed to steal an 8-foot whale tooth from a museum in Norway. Accompanying him was a large white dog whom he’d left outside the museum and who scampered off with his master once the robbery was complete. Apparently, the dog bone at home just didn’t suffice.

Snakes — in pants — on a plane

Critics who called “Snakes on a Plane” ridiculous have clearly never worked for the TSA. This Monday, NBC Miami reports, a man about to board a flight at Miami International Airport was discovered with seven serpents (and three tortoises) in nylon bags stuffed down his pants. Luckily as the man was passing through security, the guards noticed he had more than one trouser snake.

Kung fu panda

Not even the Southwest, it seems, is free from the ravages of excessively cute animals. In Flagstaff, Ariz., a few particularly intrepid hackers managed to alter a traffic sign to read “Rogue panda on rampage.” As a result, Arizona police now require any suspected pandas to provide valid documentation of their non-pandaness.

Udder disregard for authority

In an unprecedented triumph for livestock, authorities have called off the manhunt for Yvonne, the German cow that escaped execution by dashing into the wilderness, NPR reports. Now, in a gesture of goodwill, the sanctuary Gut Aiderbichl has offered her refuge, in case she ever tires of her restless roaming. In our opinion, however, this isn’t likely: Yvonne’s probably escaped to California, where the cows are happy.

Breaking news bulletin

Cave Creek, Ariz., is a small town with a big aspiration: to stage a Pamplona, Spain,-style running of the bulls. Unfortunately, according to the Associated Press, officials have revoked the event’s permit because the promoter didn’t provide enough insurance coverage. But in our opinion, this is the least of their concerns: The rogue panda, after all, has yet to be apprehended.