The New and Improved Felon Barbie

Apparently even the most impeccably… The New and Improved Felon Barbie

Apparently even the most impeccably dressed toys harbor a dark side. According to the Denver Post, two accomplices named Barbie and Ken were nabbed for allegedly stealing iPads. (How they planned to operate them without elbows is still unclear.) Although both parties are doubtlessly fretting over how to pay their Dream House’s mortgage from jail, we at The Pitt News believe they have bigger problems — after all, how do you accessorize a jump suit?

No Preservatives Needed

Anyone who says phonebooks are obsolete should consult the owner of Bar 3 Bar-B-Q restaurants, who lost $18,254 in 2009 and 2010 after his business was listed as an “Animal Carcass Removal” service, according to the Associated Press. Although the mistaken road-kill handlers have received innumerable prank calls and even a Jay Leno nod, we think they should take the attention as a compliment: misidentifying certain fast-food chains in the same fashion, we suspect, would fail to raise any eyebrows.

The Real Carcass Remover

If it weren’t for eccentric shoppers like Scott Shover, Casual Fridays would have to be discontinued. At a Walmart in Carlisle, Pa., the 53-year-old protein enthusiast was caught opening and eating packages of raw beef before placing them back on the shelf, local newspaper The Sentinel reports. Although the store is doubtlessly taking steps to ensure its products won’t be susceptible to the same covert sampling in the future, we’d like to point out that this would never happen in a Target.

Laser Cats

As if kittens weren’t already the most miraculous of nature’s creations, ABC News reports that the Mayo Clinic injected cats with a gene that combats feline immunodeficiency virus (FIV), which leads to AIDS. To track its progress, researchers paired this gene with one from a fluorescent jellyfish, causing the felines to radiate an eerie green under a blue light. This prompts us to ask UPMC: The Mayo Clinic’s cats can cure AIDS and glow in the dark — what have your pets done lately?

Erecting a Monument

Not a whole lot happens in Council Bluffs, Iowa. So when a 6-foot-tall hot dog statue with human features appeared near a school-bus stop, police were understandably perplexed, local newspaper The Daily Nonpareil reports. While the mysterious figurine remains in a police storage facility, we urge citizens to take advantage of the situation. Perhaps, as is the case with many statues, rubbing this wiener will bring good luck.