Watch out for Drips

Not even dessert, it appears, is free from the… Watch out for Drips

Not even dessert, it appears, is free from the corrupting influence of Vermont liberals. Members of One Million Moms, an affiliate of the conservative American Family Association, are up in arms over Ben & Jerry’s “Schweddy Balls” ice cream, a malt-ball flavored treat inspired by the “Saturday Night Live” skit of the same name. Although OMM members haven’t proposed a substitute flavor, we suggest something more tailored to their political persuasion: Not Until Marriage Vanilla.

Bringing Home the Bacon

Apparently, Midwestern hospitality extends even to the region’s robbers. A St. Louis woman returned to her home Tuesday to find an intruder frying bacon on her stove, according to STLtoday. Although the man was arrested, we think the “victim” should be grateful — after all, he made enough for two.

Steering the Conference

Arizona’s string of animal-related calamities continued this Tuesday when a runaway Yuma steer halted traffic on a highway, leapt over a brick wall and damaged two police vehicles, according to the Associated Press. Though the bovine has yet to be identified, we suspect it’s the University of Texas mascot, making a last-ditch effort to escape the Big 12.

Steamy Vegetables

Sexually frustrated young men might find it much harder to hate PETA beginning this December, when the animal-rights organization plans to launch a porn site, according to The Telegraph. Despite our commitment to classiness, we at The Pitt News condone this idea — provided, of course, that the animals are treated ethically.

Preserving the Red Light District on Main Street

America’s sentimental affinity for small businesses has spread to Australia, although not in the manner you might expect. This Tuesday, according to Agence France-Presse, Sydney’s city council axed a plan to expand a large bordello on the grounds that it might hurt smaller competitors. We couldn’t agree more: There’s something special about small brothels. Sure, employees at the big establishments might cost $5 less, but will they look you in the eye?