A made-for-TV sequel

Mark Wilkinson must not have been familiar with the… A made-for-TV sequel

Mark Wilkinson must not have been familiar with the concept of self-fulfilling prophecies when he purchased a 16-foot cabin cruiser named “Titanic II.” As he was piloting his boat back into the West Bay, England, harbor after a fishing trip — the ship’s maiden voyage — the hapless captain soon found his vessel sinking inexorably into the Atlantic Ocean, AFP reports. Unfortunately, as James Cameron fans might have predicted, the Heart of the Ocean II could not be retrieved.

Crimes of fashion

Eighties trends are back in vogue — even, it seems, among lawbreakers. Federal authorities are on the lookout for the nefarious “Mullet Bandit,” an Ohio-area bank robber sporting an unusually long crop of hair, Reuters reports. Unfortunately, the odds of the police finding this criminal are against them: In any other part of the country such a haircut would stand out; in Ohio, it’s the perfect disguise.

Not-so-good will

Turns out you can buy more at Goodwill than just secondhand T-shirts — at least at the Fenton, Mich., branch. State police are searching for the owner of a box labeled “grandma’s urn,” which contained a capsule full of what appears to be cremated remains. Although this situation might seem macabre to some, we urge our readers to look on the bright side: This grandmother no doubt received a very discounted burial.

Extreme Zoology

One can only speculate what was running through a Washington man’s head when he entered his girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend’s apartment toting a mink carcass. When the ex-boyfriend asked why he was carrying a weasel, the man allegedly responded, “It’s not a weasel, it’s a marten,” and then punched him in the nose and fled, MSNBC reports. Although the assailant misidentified the animal, The Pitt News can commiserate: We’ve had equal difficulty telling a hawk from a falcon. .

Retaking the field

Let the intrastate trash talking commence: Yesterday, Pitt and Penn State announced the two schools would renew their storied football rivalry, beginning with a game in Pittsburgh on Sept. 10, 2016. The news is exciting for a host of reasons — the match will undoubtedly draw a great deal of attention to both franchises — but more importantly, it’s a relief: We no longer have to care about West Virginia.