Mayday the earth stood still

The Associated Press… Mayday the earth stood still

The Associated Press reports that an air traffic controller in Oberlin, Ohio, was suspended last week for watching a movie when he was supposed to be monitoring planes. This controller’s misstep comes as the Federal Aviation Administration has received flack for cases of five other controllers falling asleep at the job. Although this controller was not watching “Snakes on a Plane,” reports say the movie did star Samuel L. Jackson. Thus, accordingly, we’re sick of these motherf**king controllers not watching these motherf**king planes.

1-800-HOARDING

According to an Associated Press feature, 1-800 numbers are an especially “hot” commodity. The article states that a Philadelphia-based company, Prime-Tel Communications, has gained control of almost one-fourth of all 1-800 numbers, and judging from AP’s research, it appears most of those numbers reroute to phone sex lines. For example, dialing 1-800-CHICAGO, which used to function as a tourism hotline for Chicago, will now redirect you to a woman offering “one-on-one talk with a nasty girl.” For avid readers, 1-800-PIT-NEWS is still under construction, but we’re taking suggestions.

Pain and the profane

A study out of the United Kingdom suggests that saying your favorite four-letter word might help you reduce pain. The researchers had participants dip their hands in cold water, and those who repeated a swear word — rather than a non-swear word — withstood the painful stimulus longer. Accordingly, we couldn’t come up with a joke for this one, so f**k it.

The politics is strong with this one

According to the soon-to-be-released biography of President Barack Obama’s mother, Stanley Ann Dunham, the future president didn’t always have the U.S. seat in mind. According to an excerpt of New York Times reporter Janny Scott’s “A Singular Woman: The Untold Story of Barack Obama’s Mother,” a 9-year-old Barack Obama aimed to one day be the prime minister of Indonesia. This was Obama’s plan, of course, before finding his U.S. birth certificate.