I’ve spent a lot of time wishing that Tina Fey could write my life story. I know that she’s… I’ve spent a lot of time wishing that Tina Fey could write my life story. I know that she’s probably busy taking down Regina George and calling out the girls who don’t even go to this school, but I’m sure that she could find some time for me. Between her being Liz Lemon and keeping Alec Baldwin from self-destructing, Tina Fey has earned my love.

There’s a reason that I admire Fey’s talents so much — she makes the ordinary seem fun. She can write a high school into a blockbuster movie that both foreshadowed Lindsay Lohan’s eventual fall and has led to the creation of countless drinking games for college students.

Of course today, there’s more to be concerned with than what someone wrote about you in a burn book. What with Libya’s leader Colonel Gadhafi ruining facial hair for every still-going-through-puberty college guy and Japan on nuclear lockdown, there seems to be little that could distract us from global stresses.. You know, not too much coming up on the agenda in the world other than the whole Mayan apocalypse thing.

Well, there is something going on that should get every American distracted. The Olympics are approaching! It’s time to feel better than everybody else because someone who lives somewhere within our borders is good at sports.

China can grab all of the bronze crap that it wants, we know that the United States will win before this thing even starts. And you know what? That makes it even more awesome. Who needs suspense when we have Shawn Johnson. She’s beautiful and wonderful at doing flips. She also is over the age of 12, but that should be irrelevant. Cough, China, cough.

Olympics are like the season finale of Lost — everyone decides to watch something that they would never sit down and watch otherwise, all the while pretending to understand what’s going on: see curling.

I’ve recently spent a lot of time around the location of the upcoming 2012 Olympic Games in London. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to go swimming with Michael Phelps. The weird thing is that British people just don’t seem to understand exactly what matters in the Olympics. The basketball stadium looks like a gigantic tent, but the cycling arena is immaculate. Seriously Brits? They actually care about rowing for this Olympics! Rowing? Rowing? If I wanted to care about something that insignificant I would become a Libertarian.

If the Olympics were in Pittsburgh, there would be a football event (the real American kind), and baseball would be played in a gorgeous stadium. Granted, the home team would lose every game, but still. I mean, let’s be real, when has Pittsburgh ever not handled a major worldwide event well? It’s not like we go too far when our sports teams win championships or anything. Hey, at least we care about the sports that matter!

That’s right: If America isn’t going to win it, then it doesn’t matter in my opinion. The Vietnam War — won’t find it in my history book.

Though I hate that London 2012 hasn’t been entirely planned around making sure that the sound system is perfect for “The Star-Spangled Banner,” I guess that I can live with the fact that, by making the basketball court a temporary building, a certain somebody won’t be taking his talents anywhere that matters — if only the American Olympic Team could be a game show and LeBron could be voted off with a “You are the weakest link. Goodbye” send-off.

So as much as I love America and am already planning the victory party, I must say that living in London has given me a chance to see the Olympics preparation done right. The Beijing Olympics were full of stories about the side-effects of the games. People were relocated and the country’s human rights issues were brought to the forefront of media attention.

London, as was inevitable, has had its issues with creating space to house the games. But the efforts have been entirely centered on redevelopment of poorer areas of the city. Instead of the endless stories we hear about the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer all over the world, these Olympic Games provide us with an excellent opportunity to remember why these events mean so much.

The Olympics harbor meaning beyond just the medals awarded to the athletes. These games are the human race’s chance to show how fast, strong and skilled we can be. They also offer us a chance to show how humane, supportive and cooperative our world can be. The London Olympics will be giving back to the British communities that need it most. So even if the actual games are still a ways off, continue to plan your victory parties for the U.S. Remember though, there’s more to the Olympics than just kicking China’s butt.

E-mail Andrew at [email protected].