The solution at hand

Would you trade hairy palms for restful legs? Well,… The solution at hand

Would you trade hairy palms for restful legs? Well, according to AOL News, those suffering from Restless Legs Syndrome — a neurological disorder which causes an uncontrolable urge to move one’s body, especially during sleep — can potentially reduce their symptoms by means of manual stimulation. Masturbating has provided relief to at least a small number of RLS patients’ conditions, according to a new case study out of Brazil and an RLS expert quoted in the article. But doctors caution those who might delight at this news — a commonly observed side effect is overactive hand syndrome.

Heist we can believe in

Politicians often fall short of representing the electorate, but on rare occurrences that relationship can flip. The Associated Press reports that after a string of bank robberies in Austria, authorities suspect a man they say walked into banks with not only a weapon, but also a mask of Barack Obama. Police suspect the 45-year-old German man of having participated in seven heists since 2008. But although we never condone armed theft, we shouldn’t judge him too harshly — all in all, he was only looking for change.

That smell ain’t the pollen

We’d bet if Sigmund Freud were asked to psychoanalyze America, he’d likely retort “anal retentive” — or at least he would after hearing this story. In March, the city of Oak Ridge, Tenn., attempted to cite a male resident for presenting a defunct toilet as a specialty porcelain flowerpot on his front lawn. On March 31, a municipal judge ruled in favor of the amateur toiletbowl landscaper, calling the city’s definition of rubbish overly “broad,” according to the Knoxville News Sentinel. Whatever the details of the mysterious case of the flowerpot commode, at least we can rest assured its owner uses homegrown fertilizer.

Lady with scissors

It appears that Al Gore has yet another formidable adversary. Yes, his purported brainchild, the Internet, has again become embattled, and this time the suspect is in her 70s and living in the country of Georgia. According to the Associated Foreign Press, an elderly woman went digging for scrap metal on March 28 and ended up hitting a major fiber-optic cable. As a result of the damage she caused to the cord, most of Georgia and neighboring Armenia went offline for nearly 12 hours. The woman is potentially facing three years in prison. But her future isn’t as bleak as one might think — our own sources tell us her feats have caught the interest of the Iranian government.