Nothing is more enticing to a presidential primary hopeful than the state of Iowa, with its… Nothing is more enticing to a presidential primary hopeful than the state of Iowa, with its wholesome cow farms, its impressive collection of geodes and, of course, its key position as the first presidential primary election vote.

It’s only natural then that GOP contenders are attempting to seduce the conservative voters of Iowa with their sparkling rhetoric and shameless pandering.

Recently, several got their chance at the Conservative Principles Conference held last Saturday in Des Moines, Iowa.

Four declared or likely to-be-declared candidates spoke at the event: Gov. Haley Barbour, R-Miss.; former House Speaker Newt Gingrich; Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-Minn., and conservative radio talk show host Herman Cain.

As a devotee of primary political speech-giving — the best way to spend any Sunday — I’ve taken the time to watch all of the contenders’ speeches and to grade them based on three main categories: shameless Iowa pandering, Obama bashing and patriotic rhetoric.

Each category will be graded on a scale of 1 to 5 bushels of delicious, homegrown Iowa corn.

Barbour: Dressed in a classic black suit with a red-white-and-blue-patterned tie, Barbour decided to lead in with a joke about his accent, setting the stylistic tone for the speech: somewhat dry content with variably received jokes.

Content-wise, Barbour spoke mostly on fiscal policy, energy policy and health care (slamming Obama’s policies more so than the man himself), with no mention of social issues like abortion or same-sex marriage. He didn’t even reference the American dream until 14 minutes into his 18-minute speech, though he did make sure to throw in a handful of Ronald Reagan references.

Worst of all, Barbour was a pandering failure, frequently mentioning his home state of Mississippi but failing to stroke the ego of the hundred-or-so Iowans who alternated between laughing politely at his Ed Sullivan jokes and looking ticked off. But he did win some brownie points with the crowd after calling the United States an “exceedingly exceptional country,” which is somewhat redundant, but OK.

Overall, Barbour was a lackluster performer. A couple of times, his sweet molasses accent nearly lulled me to sleep. The most notable part of this speech was Barbour’s uncanny resemblance to William Shatner, and I’ll be giving him a bonus bottle of high-fructose corn syrup just for that.

Shameless Iowa Pandering: 1.5 bushels

Obama Bashing: 3 bushels

Patriotic Rhetoric: 2.5 bushels

Gingrich: Gingrich’s delivery seemed bland and flat after the folksier Barbour. His removed, just-the-facts style reminded me of orientation speeches by my high school principal, and he generally looks like Beaver Cleaver in a white wig.

He started off by plugging his own website, but Newt is a smart guy, and four minutes in he dropped his first Iowa reference (a highly original joke about its winter weather, to much applause). The best part was when Gingrich almost cracked himself up, but luckily he was able to the hold most of the smugness in.

Gingrich’s pandering continued as he began to discuss the “core values of the American people,” called the United States an “exceptional country,” praised the Constitution and made a dig at teachers just for good measure (it’s the American way!).

Though he only included one Reagan reference, Gingrich more than made up for it in his vitriol, during which he refered to Obama as a “spectator in chief who’s confused about whether he’s kicking a soccer ball or leading the United States” and the United Nations as a “corrupt institution.”

While Gingrich wasn’t the most excitable speech-giver, it’s clear that he catered quite well to his audience, taking the time both to denigrate Obama and to suggest religion should be taught in schools.

Shameless Iowa Pandering: 4 bushels

Obama Bashing: 4.5 bushels

Patriotic Rhetoric: 3.5 bushels

Bachmann: Bachmann ran in with a smile and a bouffant fit for a pageant queen, and she did not waste time. Immediately she called out, “There is no place like Iowa!” with the same chipper grown-up cheerleader voice Annette Bening uses in “American Beauty.”

Bachmann’s pandering to Iowa was like nothing I’d ever seen before. She was a god among mere mortals. Not only did she remind her audience that she was born in Iowa, but that she was a “seventh-generation Iowan.” She remarked, “Iowans are very intelligent people … as well as good-looking and well-tempered.” She claimed Iowa was “the land of milk and honey.” She contended, “Whoever said Iowa doesn’t have a sense of humor?” and that, “We’re nice here in Iowa.” In fact, if I had a dollar for every time Bachmann mentioned Iowa, I would live on a mountain of milk chocolate and have my feet washed in liquid gold daily.

Of course Bachmann is a multi-talented woman, and she also spent time attacking Obama’s Final Four predictions, making Jimmy Carter jokes and alluding to the federal tax code as “a weapon of mass destruction.”

Content-wise, Bachmann focused on “family” as a solution to the nation’s problems, more specifically an “intact two-parent family.” She peppered this part of the speech with references to the American dream, Thomas Jefferson, the Founding Fathers, the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, some “death clock” that is apparently ticking, the “battle for freedom,” Abraham Lincoln and liberty — all delivered in the same whispery, excited voice complemented by shining, eager eyes.

Overall, Bachmann had a very successful delivery style, using short, simple sentences, rhetorical questions and incessant repetition to make her point. I sensed heavy influences of Hemingway, my first-grade elementary school teacher and Solomon Grundy.

Shameless Iowa Pandering: 5 bushels

Obama Bashing: 4 bushels

Patriotic Rhetoric: 5 bushels

Cain: For me, Cain was the wild card, both because I hadn’t heard much about him and because he chose to wear a yellow tie. But the radio show host assuaged any doubt I had by mentioning the Founding Fathers, religion and the Constitution in only two sentences.

Cain spent the majority of his speech maligning liberals as “stupid people” who “want to reduce our liberties” (the crowd loved this), and most of his policy centered on social issues, particularly abortion. Unfortunately, the majority of Cain’s attacks were on liberals in general rather than Obama specifically, so he’ll have to lose some points for that.

Like the majority of those who spoke before him, Cain announced that the United Sates was “the greatest country in the world” and “an exceptional country” — though he failed to praise Iowa specifically.

Overall, I would have to liken Cain to a bag of Hot Fries — the same dull, substance-less arguments flavored in an exciting, spicy way. And I have to say, the high point of the speech for me was when Cain mentioned China and C-SPAN rather tastelessly cut to perhaps the only Asian-American in attendance.

Shameless Iowa Pandering: 3 bushels

Obama Bashing: 3 bushels

Patriotic Rhetoric: 5 bushels

E-mail Molly at [email protected].