I was never the quickest to pick up on new styles and trends. And from what I’ve experienced… I was never the quickest to pick up on new styles and trends. And from what I’ve experienced studying abroad in London, neither is Europe. But when it comes to the worldwide spread of hipsterism, perhaps we should welcome some trend-lagging.

Let’s take me as an example. In third grade, I totally missed out on the whole gelled, spiked hair fad that N’ Sync brought to a whole country of prepubescents. I watched as all of the cool kids got to sit at the girls table while I was relegated to organizing my Pokemon cards.

I didn’t even know who R. Kelly was when all of my friends were igniting their first relationship. I tried to make it up by learning a dance to Sean Paul, but the only person getting busy with me was the chaperone at the middle school formal who told me I was scaring the other kids. After that fiasco, I was less welcome at a Bar Mitzvah than the pepperoni pizza.

By the time high school came around, I was too busy catching up on “Titanic” scenes and waiting for my voice to drop to rush into being a cool kid. Although I think I eventually figured it out, I was always just a little bit behind.

So when I got to college and expected, as I imagine all boys do, to be the smooth guy at parties that picks up chicks at night and plays quarterback on a club team during the day, I should have known that I would be behind the trends. Okay, it didn’t take me that long to realize that the last thing I wanted to be was that creepy guy in the corner of fraternity parties that is more Jack the Ripper than anything else, but there were still a ton of things that I just couldn’t get.

Trends are always popping up, and I am continually on the wrong side of them. From Soulja Boy to Lady Gaga, I’ve just felt like I’m chasing Jason Bourne. Considering I haven’t toppled a Middle Eastern dictatorship in the last couple of weeks, I’m feeling quite behind.

The great thing about being across the pond, though, is that they are equally late!

It’s amazing to see. Songs that were popular in January are just hitting the airwaves, and television is almost getting to be on past midnight. Without the high-speed trains and linen pants, Europe would be like a replica of America four months ago. Sure, it has its own pop culture and some other things that nobody really cares about, but it gives people like me a chance at redemption.

Enter the hipster. Now I’m not particularly fond of all things hipster. I love to read Dave Eggers and rock Christmas sweaters from the early ’90s too, but I just can’t handle the trend hitting Europe. The photos are getting artsy and becoming more meaningful by being less meaningful. The hairstyles are becoming more and more carefully constructed to get the “just got out of bed” look. I’m dreading the day when Pabst Blue Ribbon turns pubs into local poetry-reading clubs.

I’ve been to my fair share of hipster parties and even dabbled in the glasses-without-a-prescription thing for a while. Unfortunately, I accidently got the lenses with 3-D vision and had to give up because of chronic headaches. Nobody laughed at my anti-jokes — although I guess that’s the point? — and I just couldn’t keep up with contemplating my intellectual superiority as compared to that of the humble masses. I wasn’t good at being a hipster.

We need to put a stop to the spread of hipsterism. If a bunch of Russians wanting to share things scared people into making nuclear bombs, imagine what people will do when they land in Europe to find flannel and TOMS! So this is my call to action, a call to patriotism, to keep the hipster in America. Imagine if the band that’s cool because nobody knows about them suddenly becomes known in Europe! What happens when Goodwill suddenly needs to start selling our thrown-out clothes overseas? What would we wear?

It’s not that I’m against being a hipster — I’m against hipster leaving America. It’s up to us to keep this thing from going international. The kings of irony, the people that couldn’t care less about their style getting popular, have ironically gone worldwide. I don’t know if I should congratulate a hipster or take a new profile picture that includes some form of sepia toning, but I do know that I want to keep the beanies in America. Then again, I might just be behind the trends.

Write Andrew at [email protected].