The power of Christ compels you

Quick, throw some holy water on your… The power of Christ compels you

Quick, throw some holy water on your computer! The Telegraph reports that the Catholic Church is seeing a rise in the demand for exorcists because of an increase in Internet-fueled Satanism. To allow Pitt students to take advantage of this growing job market, the religious studies department will begin offering a new certificate in exorcism, starting Fall 2011.

Fowl play

The Pitt News falsely reported yesterday that the red-tailed hawk on our front page was a falcon. Considering we observed that the hawk made a squirrel its prey and that falcons mostly eat a diet of other birds, we could use a feather-familiar friend. As a result, The Pitt News is currently accepting applications for the position of Staff Ornithologist.

Cool smarts vs. school smarts

Sure, six of Pitt’s and Carnegie Mellon’s brightest students were put to shame by supercomputer Watson in a game show Wednesday, but let’s be honest: Pitt is totally better than CMU when it comes to the good stuff. In a category titled “White, White Wine,” Pitt’s team swept the board, showing its knowledge of the libation. We wonder if out of frustration with its team’s performance, CMU will consider revoking its alcohol amnesty policy and granting it to Pitt.

Eagle Ray

NBC Miami reports that a 300-pound spotted eagle ray leapt out of the ocean and into a charter boat in the Florida Keys this week, landing on a tourist. Though eagle rays are known to feed on shrimp, crabs and other crustaceans, we at The Pitt News can never be sure when it comes to identifying animals and their diets. In addition to looking for a Staff Ornithologist, we are now accepting applications for the position of Staff Marine Biologist to confirm that this was in fact an eagle ray and not a falcon ray.

For a good time, call…

According to a March 15 post on Craigslist, a male student in an infamous David Lawrence Hall men’s bathroom is looking for some lovin’. The post says that he witnessed one  man on his knees performing fellatio on another man, and the poster wants in on the action. If you are the shameless bathroom lover, don’t leave this guy hanging dry — he wants to know the color of your shoes.