Crumbling with anger

The Naples Daily News, a newspaper out of Naples, Fla.,… Crumbling with anger

The Naples Daily News, a newspaper out of Naples, Fla., reports that a 31-year-old woman has been charged with aggravated assault over a scuffle that involved a box of Girl Scout cookies. The article says that the woman allegedly entered her roommate’s bedroom, accused the roommate of eating her Thin Mints and then proceeded to chase her roommate with a pair of scissors. The iconic phrase “Me want cookies!” might traditionally carry an authoritative tone, but we never knew the Cookie Monster as someone who would brandish weapons to get his cookie fix.

Chains of stupidity

According to MSNBC, a man allegedly tried to walk out of a Chickasha, Okla., hardware store with a stolen chainsaw concealed in his pants. Store employees saw the man waddle oddly, initially assuming a handicap of some sort. Once his intentions were realized, the suspected thief was chased from the store and dove headfirst into a creek, only to be arrested shortly after, the article reports. The chainsaw was recovered. On a broader note, The Pitt News would like to remind you that if you’re on campus and concealing chainsaws in your pants — or anywhere on your person, for that matter — you’re violating the Student Code of Conduct.

State secrets

On Wednesday, the U.S. Department of Justice released its plan to require the tobacco industry to publicly admit to misleading the American people. Specifically, the government wants tobacco companies to publish ads that own up to allegedly lying to the public about the safety and dangers of smoking. In light of the government seeking corporate admissions, The Pitt News thinks the government can answer a few nagging questions too. First, were the moon landing clips shot in Kansas City or Buffalo? Next, who wore the pants in the JFK and Marilyn Monroe romance? And our final question: Where are the WMDs?

Save the music!

The Associated Press reports that a music teacher formerly working at University High School in Orange City, Fla., allegedly stole students’ instruments and pawned them off to feed a purported gambling addiction. Among the equipment reported missing by the school were two guitars and two violins. Police say the teacher, who resigned earlier this month, made $825 in the transactions. Granted, it might be difficult to deal with slowly improving high school musicians, but seriously, there must be a more direct way to say, “Your sense of pitch sucks.”

A fateful discharge

In defending his client, who allegedly ejaculated twice into a female co-worker’s water bottle in 2010, an Orange County, Calif., defense attorney said yesterday that the defendant’s actions were egregious but not criminal. The defendant is currently being charged for misdemeanor assault and battery. After tasting — and seeing — something odd in her water on two separate occasions, the female co-worker took the bottle to a private lab that determined the impurity was semen, which was then found to contain the defendant’s DNA, according to prosecutors quoted in the article. This story suggests that the common advice “Never leave your drink unattended” might not only apply to college parties.