An itch that wouldn’t cease

According to WCCO-TV, a Minnesota woman was… An itch that wouldn’t cease

According to WCCO-TV, a Minnesota woman was arrested for theft after she allegedly hid a high-end mink coat in her underwear. After spending three days in jail, the 270-pound woman, to the surprise of officers, lifted her gown and produced the $6,500 coat. In other news, The Pitt News now knows where you can find a mink coat on clearance.

That’s not a corn-cob pipe, baby

Equipment for snowmen used to mean sticks, scarves and coal. Well, WYFF reports that a South Carolina man equipped his snowman with male genitalia. Although the man disagreed that the dyed-pink body parts were offending, he was obliged to remove them per a deputy’s request. Who knew snowmen suffered from premature emasculation?

She can’t “handle” children

Having a good time baby-sitting just took on new meaning. STV, a Scottish news outlet, reported Tuesday that a 3-year-old boy called the police to complain about his drunken baby sitter. When he noted the inebriated state of his supervisor, the toddler called 999 — the Scottish equivalent of 911 — and responding officers found that the baby sitter had allegedly downed a bottle of wine while looking after the child. New baby-sitting checklist for parents: Emergency numbers: Check! Food in the fridge: Check! Breathalyzer: Check!

Olfactory projectiles

Think you had a bad New Year’s Day headache? Pshaw. According to MSNBC, especially raucous New Year’s Eve festivities left an Italian man with a stray .22-caliber bullet in his head. But luck turned in the unfortunate partygoer’s favor — while waiting for doctors to treat him, he sneezed the bullet out of his nostril. Considering the rising cost of health care, this story prompts us to ask a question: Neurosurgeons, who needs them?

Matter over mind

Don’t call this Watson elementary. The Wall Street Journal reports that an IBM computer the size of 10 refrigerators — whose combined hardware and software system is named Watson — defeated two “Jeopardy” champions in the game show taped yesterday for airing in February. Well, that’s nice and all, but we estimate that it will take at least another 30 years for computers to accurately mimic the enthusiasm of Alex Trebek.