Zeus backs Trojans

As part of a phenomenon shrouded in mystery, thousands of… Zeus backs Trojans

As part of a phenomenon shrouded in mystery, thousands of small animals have been found dead in Arkansas, Louisiana, Kentucky and Texas. Among washed-up drum fish and fallen red-winged blackbirds, tens of thousands of “devil crabs” were found along the beaches of Kent, Ark. Seeing as they eliminated so many crabs, perhaps the gods have suddenly started to care about our sexual health.

Road to nowhere

According to the San Francisco Chronicle, a man in Ohio who was arrested for suspected drunk driving blamed his arrest on former Black Sabbath singer Ozzy Osbourne. But we contest that explanation: Even the “Crazy Train” has speed limits.

Spam I am

BBC News reported that, for reasons that aren’t completely understood, the volume of spam e-mails has fallen markedly since August. In unrelated news, The Pitt News classified section has received an unusual uptick in the number of ads offering out-of-this-world-cheap Viagra and Cialis prescriptions.

Family life

A 91-year-old Pennsylvania woman will finally have the dead bodies of relatives returned to her property after authorities took them away, according to the Associated Press. Having them dug up shortly after they died, the woman had stored her dead husband on a couch in the garage and her sister in a spare room. The county coroner will return the bodies to the property once a mausoleum is built. In light of this story, we would like to redefine the phrase, “house of the living dead.”

Looking ahead

This week, The New York Times reported that a highly criticized research paper suggesting evidence for extrasensory perception is about to be published in a respected psychology journal. To prove extrasensory perception, or ESP, an emeritus professor at Cornell tested participants’ abilities to “sense” random events. Even without claiming to wield ESP, we at The Pitt News can reliably “sense” that today’s classes will experience the highest attendance rate of any school day until just before midterms.