Those notes/teeth are too sharp

NBC News reports that a Wisconsin woman bit… Those notes/teeth are too sharp

NBC News reports that a Wisconsin woman bit off her husband’s tongue during a kiss. According to police, the couple was singing Christmas carols Monday night, and when the man went to kiss his wife goodnight, she bit off his tongue. Perhaps she thought he was a bad caroler.

A “Button” breakthrough

At the end of last month, the Wall Street Journal reported that by tweaking a gene in laboratory mice, researchers at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston became the first to successfully reverse certain age-related problems in animals. If translated to people, the findings present a potentially life-saving treatment for patients with brain diseases and cancer — but despite your hopes, aging in reverse will not make you look like Brad Pitt.

Hello, I [Pardon] You

Lead singer of the popular ’60s band The Doors, Jim Morrison, no longer has to spend his afterlife regretting his 1969 indecent exposure conviction, as Florida Gov. Charlie Crist pardoned him yesterday. But this development confuses us at The Pitt News: While Morrison got only a pardon, Girl Talk got an entire day.

Bearded, naughty man

According to NBC, a longtime actor playing Santa Claus at a San Francisco Macy’s has been fired after a couple complained about his humor toward adults who sit on his lap. The actor told the San Francisco Chronicle, “If they ask why Santa is so jolly, I joke that it’s because I know where all the naughty boys and girls live.” After extensive deliberation on the matter, The Pitt News would like to follow in the lead of Gov. Crist and formally pardon Santa Claus, as we think there’s a rightful place for off-color humor in department stores.

I’m not real, and they’re not either

The Miami Herald reports that a South Florida woman was sentenced Tuesday to two and a half years behind bars after she confessed to using a stolen identity to purchase larger breast implants. The woman purportedly spent $20,000 on not only new furniture but also cosmetic surgery, complaining that her old breast implants were defective. But as the woman prepares for a multiple-year prison sentence, she shouldn’t be too worried — at least she’ll fill out her jumpsuit better.

He drops scores — and drawers

The Associated Press reports that a part-time instructor at a state university in Georgia was arrested on Monday for stripping in front of his business students late last month. While officials at the university say the 57-year-old instructor will no longer teach at the institution, we wonder if he successfully improved his RateMyProfessors.com hotness rating.