My dear friends, I have long been honored to write for this great newspaper of this great… My dear friends, I have long been honored to write for this great newspaper of this great college in this great city in this greatest of nations, and it’s all been just great. But there is something I must be frank about. It is time I pulled the mid-autumn surprise some of you might have suspected, but few of you expected. Yes, I am running for Congress tomorrow, and I could use your help. Because I was a bit tardy getting into the race, I’m going to have to work harder, faster and stronger to make my positions known and do a great deal of intense campaigning this day before the election. So, here is my “campaign in a day.”

I am running because it’s high time we changed Washington. Things need to be done differently in a way that is not the same. My vast experience as a Washington outsider will ensure that I have no clue how to do things the regular way, so by definition I will do things differently. I promise to fight for you, the people, making sure this district is well-funded by the federal government, while at the same time leading the tireless fight against earmarks, pork-barrel projects and random tunnels under rivers leading to football stadiums. I will also do my best to make sure everybody gets to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner, something they can’t do now, at least according to New York native and perrenial candidate Jimmy McMillan: “Some … child’s stomach just growled. Didn’t you hear it? You’ve got to listen like me.”

I am also running to save the republic from my Whig opponent, John Quincy Adams of Quincy, Mass. Let me tell you a little bit about him. He’s so extreme, he votes with Nancy Pelosi 115 percent of the time, making sure to vote twice on some measures, and also sneaks onto the House floor at midnight at times to cast a vote for a bill that Nancy Pelosi knows nothing about, but would have voted for if she did.

As if this were not enough, my opponent loves outsourcing. Can’t get enough of it. When he’s not busy ruining the American dream by giving it away to Lehman Brothers, he’s busy giving jobs to the Chinese. Not only does he support tax breaks for companies who outsource, he does the moving of a lot of the heavy equipment for those companies himself for no charge. He also wants to increase taxes on businesses that don’t outsource, thus driving them overseas. In addition, he’s in favor of not having businesses pay their fair share by keeping the corporate tax rate low. I’ll be sure that businesses are made to pay their fair share of taxes.

Why does my opponent favor outsourcing? Because he’s evil and has no scruples. He’s even bandying about the thought of outsourcing Wall Street to China. Or maybe it was importing the Chinese financial sector to the U.S. Whatever.

His lack of even a fractional scruple has shown itself in other ways. His dealings are unsavory in the extreme, and he has made the most corrupt bargain of all: buying the presidency by offering Henry Clay the position of secretary of state.

And my Anti-Masonic Party opponent? Why, he’s even worse. He is a dangerous, right-wing Tea Party racist sexist homophobic Islamophobic religious wingnut extremist who feeds on hatred, anger, fear and name-calling. I, on the other hand, am all for hope and post-partisan politics. He’s so racist, his policies led to George Wallace filing an amicus brief in support of the NAACP in 1964. Need I provide more evidence?

And that’s not all. His history in office is, as our forefathers described abuses in a similar situation, a “history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having indirect object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.

“He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good…

“He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people, and eat out their substance.”

And he has imposed Taxes on us without our Consent.

He has also shamelessly plagiarized lines from the Declaration of Independence, claiming them as his own work.

So, there is only one choice for the people of this district. Don’t vote for my opponents. I guess that sorta means you should vote for me.

Pull the lever! Write [email protected].